For most of my life I cared too much what people thought and struggled to feel secure in friendships. 

I didn’t realise it was a problem at the time, but at high school I moved around different friendship groups. Looking back I know now I was searching for validation to feel good about myself but it never felt enough, which stopped me from maintaining lasting friendships. 

By the time I was in my twenties, I’d spent so long trying to fit in with others, I had no idea who I was. A constant nagging feeling that I wasn’t good enough, made me strive to change myself all the time to be what I thought people wanted me to be and I struggled to be myself. 

I never felt enough for the friends I did have, often preoccupied with what they thought of me and worried that unless I was the perfect friend they would reject me.  This made me track their behaviour and experience strong feelings of rejection if friends cancelled or I did not hear from them for a while. For me, the way I dealt with this was to push friends away because it felt easier. But this just made me feel more alone and confirm the feeling that there was something wrong with me.

Consequently, I spent periods of my life feeling depressed or anxious because I was often caught up in self-critical thoughts or worrying people didn’t like me. I often sought help from therapists but none of them were able to tell me why it was happening or what to do about it. 

Learning mindfulness was the first step to change as I was able to control the impact that thoughts had on my feelings and manage my mood. It was so life changing, I trained to be a mindfulness teacher, making sure it was as accessible as possible to people including those who often think its “not for them”. 

However, that was only the beginning and eventually I had a lightbulb moment when I realised that low self worth was the only thing stopping me feeling secure in myself and in my friendships. 

And that this was something I could change. 

After working on this using evidence-based tools, I was able accept who I was and stop seeking approval. I felt more comfortable in my own skin and able to do things I enjoyed without caring what people thought.

But one of the biggest changes was having better friendships as I stopped needing validation and fearing rejection.  This helped me to stop taking things personally and now maintain lasting, satisfying friendships.  

When I trained to be a therapist I was amazed to hear how many people felt the same as I did. They lived in constant fear of rejection from everyone and allowed the opinions of others to hold them back.

Many also felt insecure with their friends, even close ones, and thought there was something wrong with them. I’ve therefore made it my mission to increase awareness of how low self-worth and insecure attachment styles impact friendships and other social relationships, because I don’t think this is talked about enough.