Why do I feel guilty when I take a break?

You’ve been at work all day and get home knackered. You need to put your feet up and spend time with your family but as soon as do your brain reminds you of all the tasks you feel you “should” do instead. You know you need to relax but feel too guilty to take a break so find yourself getting up again. You still feel bad though for not spending time with your family but it least it feels slightly better to be ‘doing something productive’

Or perhaps you’re on holiday with a loved one to enjoy some chilled time together but you just can’t switch off. Your mind keeps wandering to work issues and how you’ve left your staff to deal with a big project. So find yourself logging on check your emails which results in big and familiar argument and you feel even worse.

If this sounds familiar then its likely you work hard and love a sense of achievement but find yourself wondering….when did it start to feel impossible to relax?

As a therapist and stress specialist, I see lots of busy hard working people who cannot switch off and feel guilty when they take a break. They are often surprised when they learn the reasons why.

Why people struggle to switch off.

If you know you need to relax more but just don’t know how to switch off without feeling guilty then the answer may lie in something called ‘Doing Mode’.

Doing mode is a term used in mindfulness which describes how we feel and behave when the goal orientated part of our brain is activated. It’s focused on fixing problems, getting stuff done and achieving things.

Doing Mode has an evoluntary function as it helped us move towards useful activities to gain the resources we needed to survive. Our body therefore releases dopamine which makes us feel good each time we gain or achieve something. This can be anything from ticking off our ‘to-do’ list to getting a promotion. It also generates self critical and competitive based thoughts to motivate us. i.e. comparing ourselves to other people and/or beating ourselves up for not doing well enough.

We obviously need ‘doing mode’ to survive as without it we wouldn’t function and get out of bed in the morning. However, as dopamine is an addictive chemical, the more we release it the more we want. Like any addictive substance we need more and more of it to feel okay so our instinct is to get busier, cram more in and rush around. Speeding up and doing lots starts to feel normal.

When we stop, we deprive ourselves of the dopamine that has given us a high so feel low, self critical and our body feel restless. These feelings make us feel guilty and uncomfortable so we get back up again.

But the more we rush around the less able we are to tune into how we are actually feelings and to know that we need (and can take!) a break. This excessive doing, and inability to give our systems a rest, is then interpreted by the body as a “threat” which releases fight and flight chemicals designed to protect us such as adrenaline and cortisol. Suddenly everything feels urgent, like a life and death situation if we don’t complete it.

A vicious cycle develops of speeding up and doing more when what we really need is to do is slow down and do less. This creates a perfect storm of excessive busyness and symptoms of stress and anxiety such as rapid breathing, more racing self- critical thoughts, insomnia, panic attacks, irritability and potentially burnout.

Whilst ‘doing mode’ seems to be a symptom modern life, people with low self esteem or high levels of self criticism will be more prone. This is because they attach their self worth to achievement so the feelings of failure or letting people down that come with resting are more intense.

Signs you're in 'doing mode' too much

You do things very quickly and rush from task to task.
Its feels uncomfortable to do things at a slower pace
You get frustrated with others for how ‘slow’ they are
You push yourself to achieve more than is realistic.
You’re critical of yourself or others if things are not achieved.
You normally do more than one thing at once
You feel guilty or like a failure if you don’t get a certain amount of tasks “complete”
You’re very focussed on the future such as making lots of plans that need to be perfect.

So how can I slow down and switch off 'doing mode'

The good news is that you can learn to slow down and take a break without feeling guilty by cultivating something called ‘Being Mode’.

Being Mode can be thought of as the opposite of doing mode and is something most of us feel naturally when relaxed and content. Perhaps at the end of a holiday, after glass of wine or massage. Being mode qualities can include:

A feeling of contentment and non-striving.
Connection to the present rather than focussing on future plans
Tuned into and able to meet own needs.
Kindness to self and not critical.
Acceptance of things as they are
A sense of gratitude

Being mode also has a survival function because it enabled us to rest and digest as well as give and receive love. If we are always in being mode we probably might not function that well either so ideally what we need is a healthy balance of the two.

The most effective way we can cultivate being mode is mindful self compassion. Contrary to popular understanding, mindfulness does not mean clearing you mind of thoughts so that you achieve instant zen and relaxation.

Instead it means cultivating an ability to be aware of when you are in doing mode so that you can reduce by taking a step back and managing the thoughts and feelings that drive it.

For example, if you have had a busy day at work then your body will be full of the chemicals suited to that situation i.e. dopamine, adrenaline and cortisol. But when you arrive at home and need to start slowing down, unless you have actively release those chemicals, you will find it hard. Instead you are rushing around in the same state, wanting things to get done and feeling anxious if not.

However, if you regularly checked into yourself as went along you can steps to prevent the build up of those chemicals and therefore would be in a better position respond to what yout home situations needs later on.

The more this awareness increases you are able to notice when you’re rushing around for no reason or doing too many things at once unnecessarily.

This means you can can gradual take your foot on and off the peddle which ultimately leads to a natural slowing down and a ‘weaning off’ of dopamine.

But what happens if your brain is telling you to do more to keep up with others? Or you have instense feelings of failure for not getting everything done on your ‘to-do’ list?

Once mindfulness has allowed you pause and notice how you feel you can the offer ‘self compassion‘ to counteract the criticism. For example, asking yourself what you need right now instead of what you think you ‘should’ do or what you would say to a friend. Evidence shows that these questions enable a person to gain a kinder, more balanced perspective. They also stimilate the ‘soothing part’ of the brain which is linked to being mode.

How to take a break without feeling guilty using mindful self compassion

Regularly pause for just a few moments through the day and notice whether there are signs in your body of stress such as muscles tense or heart beating faster.
Try a brief mindful activity at key points of the day to prevent the build up of stress such as a mindful lunchtime walk, cup of tea or a breathing exercise on the way home from work. Tune into your senses to give your mind a rest.
If your mind starts wandering to all the things you think you ‘should do’ as soon as you take a break, recognise this is your ‘doing mode’ talking. Try to resist the temptation to give in to the thoughts or push them too strongly away and instead say to yourself “I am having a thought that I shouldn’t sit down” with a sense of curiosity and kindness. Ask yourself what you need in that moment instead.

If you feel a stong sense of failure or guilt when taking a break spend a few moments noticing these feelings in the body with a sense of curiosity. Then ask yourself what you would say to a friend or a loved one in the same situation.
If you notice you are rushing around or trying to do more than one thing at once, remember you are reinforcing ‘doing mode’ when you might not need to. Take a few moments to focus on something else in the immediate environment such as sounds around you or your feet on the floor. Then ask yourself whether you need to rush and if not make an effort to slow down your pace. Even just a small amount can make a difference.
Engage in an activity in your free time which is not ‘work’ or ‘planning’ but which can help you slow down gradually but without doing nothing. Such as knitting, compiling a photo album or baking.

If you would to find out more about my services to help you cultivate mindful self compassion and take a break without feeling guitly contact me.