Are you the life and soul of the party, but then worry what everyone thinks of you the next day? Or a high flyer in your career, but the smallest of mistakes throws you in turmoil? Maybe you often get described as “confident” but inside you are full of doubts about what everyone thinks of you and how you measure up to others?
Unless you are a psychotherapist or psychologist you may not know that there is in fact a big difference between self confidence on one hand and self esteem or self worth on the other. This article will explain the difference and how it is very common to be confident but still lack self esteem. I was also explain steps to start increasing your self esteem if you think it needs improving
What is self confidence?
Confidence can be considered an ability to project yourself well on to the outside world. If you are confident you are likely to appear okay in social situations, perhaps perform well at interviews and not be as phased by public speaking. You may also have positive beliefs about yourself such as believing you are good at your job or are physically attractive which enables you to push yourself in your career or confident in romantic relationships.
You can also be confident in certain skills like being a confident cook or driver. In this respect it means having faith in your abilities about something specific that often comes from experience or natural ability .
What is low self esteem
Self esteem is more about how you feel about yourself as a person and whether you feel inherently “okay”, good enough, likeable and worthy of love. Its not related to our external abilities but a global assessment of how we think other people perceive us or how we perceive ourselves. Sometimes we are not always aware we feel that way but have a nagging feeling of not being good enough or needing to prove ourselves.
Signs you have low self esteem include:
- You are so precoccipied with what other people think of you that you are often distracted, anxious or not able to sleep.
- You feel judged or disliked easily which makes you feel anxious
- You regularly compare yourself to others and feel not good enough which makes you feel low.
- You find it hard to say no as the thought of letting people down makes you feel anxious
- You’re often tired or stress because you cannot prioritise your needs
- You’re very self critical over small mistakes and feel very stressed about them
- You put pressure on yourself to achieve certain things and if you don’t you feel very guilty or ashamed.
- You struggle in relationships because you do not feel loveable
- You feel isolated because you get anxious about social situations.
Can I be confident but lack self esteem?
Its perfectly possible therefore to be confident but lack self esteem. In fact, low self esteem can push a person towards activities to feel better themselves so they might try really hard at school or work or go out of their way to make more friends. This can a person seem confident on the outside but not feeling good enough on the inside. In this situation its common to attach their worth to being good at things or popular which causes problems due to putting too much pressure on themselves or becoming really anxious or self critical when things go wrong.
How Can I Work On My Self Esteem?
If low self esteem and self worth is something you feel you want to work on then there is a lot you can do to help yourself. For example, you can start recording a diary of all the ways low self esteem is affecting you and reflect on how you want things to change. There are many other effective tools that can help to gradually adjust your feelings about yourself and develop healthier mindsets such as CBT, mindfulness and self compassion. You can read more about increasing yourself self esteem without seeing a therapist here. However, it can also be very helpful to work with a therapist to improve self esteem and self worth.
How do I know if I need therapy for low self esteem?
Whether or not you want to see a therapist is a very personal choice. You may feel you do not tick the boxes below but would still value a space to offload and work on it. Thats fine and I would always encourage anyone who feels like they would benefit from talking to do so.
However, there are some signs that you would benefit from therapy to work on your self esteem
- You have experienced stressful childhood experiences which have contributed to low self esteem
- You have experienced trauma such as abuse or grief.
- Low self esteem is causing distressing feelings such as anxiety, stress and low mood.
- Your feelings are causing problems in work or personal life
- You have tried to work on it yourself but are still struggling.
What will happen when I attend therapy for low self esteem?
Generally speaking all therapists and counselling will offer a space for you to talk and reflect what they hear in a kind but honest way. This increases your awareness to help you know how you feel about things and be equipped to make the changes you need. But here are some common additional tools some therapists might use to help self esteem. When talking to a therapist about working with them its useful to find out what techniques they are trained in.
Challenge thoughts: Having low self esteem means we interpret the world a particular way. A very common example is jumping to conclusions about what someone is thinking about them. Assuming someone is judging you or dislikes you results in feelings of stress and anxiety but we rarely have evidence for this. This technique comes from Cognitive Behaviourial Theray and involves looking for evidence for the thoughts you are having. Most of the time we think in a certain way because our brains are programmed to jump to conclusions and assume the worst but not based on actual evidence. For example, what evidence do you have that your boss thinks you are bad at your job? How realistic is if that you will get fired for making a mistake?
Mindfulness helps us to give space to difficult thoughts and feelings. Often if we have low self esteem we will be caught up in ruminating with unhelpful, self critical thoughts which make us feel worse. Mindfulness can help you take a step back from them
Self Compassion We are often more critical of ourselves than other people. If you are giving yourself a hard time pause and ask yourself what you would say to a friend
Develop healthier core belief. Often at the route of low self esteem in relation to work stress is that only feel good enough if we do well. So the possibility of making a mistake feels really uncomfortable because deep down it makes us feel like a bad person. Therapists will bring attention to this so that you can develop more positive core beliefs.
Want to work with me?
I’m a fully qualified therapist and mindfulness coach specialising in anxiety and low self esteem. I offer practical, evidence based tools that worked for me.
If you’re interested in working with me to feel calmer and more confident in your social life click below for a FREE 30 min consultation.
