A long term friend has stopped returning your calls and you’re deeply upset and confused. Or someone you wanted to become friends with, doesn’t seem interested, you feel embarrassed and self-critical. Or a friend cancels last minute and you feel crushed. Friendship rejection comes in many forms and in my personal and professional experience, it’s almost always deeply painful. This blog will explore why friendship rejection hurts so much, why the difference between perceived and actual rejection matters and how to cope with both.
- What is Friendship Rejection?
- Why Friendhip Rejection Hurts So Much
- How Do I know If I’m Being Rejected By A Friend
- What is Rejection Sensitivity
- How To Cope With Friendship Rejection
- How To Cope with Rejection Sensitivity
What is friendship rejection?
Friendship rejection means feeling unwanted in a platonic relationship. It can occur when we try to initiate, deepen or maintain friendships. For example, if you are trying to make friends with someone new or get to know them better and they don’t seem interested, we may feel rejection. Or if an old friend wants to end the friendship, and its not mutual, then we are likely to experience strong feelings of rejection.
Interestingly, we can feel rejected in friendships even when the other person hasn’t rejected us at all. This is because our brains can be on high alert for rejection so we may interpret a certain behaviour as rejecting (such as someone cancelling) but that’s not their intent at all. Some people are prone to these kind of reactions which is described as “rejection sensitivity”. One of the most confusing things about friendship rejection then is working out whether it’s actually happening and in both cases, how to cope with how we feel.
Why friendship rejection hurts so much
In stone age times if your tribe rejected you, you wouldn’t last very long. So the human mind is built to react strongly to platonic rejection. It triggers the fight and flight system and studies show it feels similar to physical pain. A pain we don’t know how to process and talk about, so we stay in our heads ruminating about it and finding it hard to let go.
Culturally we expect, and accept, romantic relationships as challenging. Many a song is written about unrequited love and heartbeak and we’ll offload with close friends about potential lovers who “just weren’t into us”. Although its still very hurtful, it seems socially acceptable and therefore free of shame. However, to be rejected by a friend feels taboo. We can chalk up romantic relationship breakdowns to incompatibility but if a friendship doesn’t work out, we may think it there’s something wrong with us.
So whilst friendship rejection is meant to hurt, the fact its shrouded in secrecy without a place to talk about it means the shame can make it harder to process.
But the added pain often comes from the way rejection plays out. Again, we seem to lack a language for friendship problems compared to romance. We can say to a partner “I don’t feel the same anymore” or “Its not me its you”. But such conversations feel so rare in friendships its uncomfortable on both sides.
So, many ex-friends resort to ghosting or slowly fading away so you may never understand why or get the closure you need.
How Do I Know If I'm Being Rejected By A Friend
Because friendship breakup conversations are so rare, most people have to figure out for themselves that they’re being rejected from a person’s behaviour. It’s really important to note here, that because interpretations are subjective, it’s common to jump to conclusions and think you’re being rejected when you’re not.
But if a friend seems to have completely stopped replying to your texts this could mean they are ghosting you. If they stop agreeing to plans to meet and never seem being available, this can also be a clue.
Other more subtle signs are a change in their responses if you share vulnerable information, that you have done in the past. This can suggest an emotional withdrawal even if they are still physically present.
In all cases it’s very important to check before assuming you’ve been rejected. Sometimes there’s a very good explanation that the friend might be glad of the chance to share. They might be feeling low and not very sociable or have a lot on. Try to take a step back and look at the friendship as a whole rather than a few recent incidents and give it time before you jump to conclusions.
What is Rejection Sensitivity?
What makes the whole thing so confusing is that its common for people to experience strong feelings of rejection, even when its not happening, which is known as rejection sensitivity. The relationship between our mind and body is so strong, that if you assume you’re being rejected your body will react as if it’s happening. You’ll feel hurt, anxious and be caught up in an overthinking cycle of wondering “what have I done”. Typical examples that trigger rejection sensitivity are if a friend doesn’t reply to a text, seems off with you or goes out with another friend.
People who experience friendship anxiety are highly prone to assuming they are being rejected when they’re not. This is because they have an anxious attachment style so are on the look out for rejection and will interpret situations negatively.
For more information about friendship anxiety and anxious attachment styles in friendship, read here. Rejection Sensitivity is also strongly associated with neurodiversity, especially ADHD.
How to cope with friendship rejection
If you have actually been rejected by a friend, these steps below will help. However, if you just feel rejected and suspect this due to rejection sensitivity, see below.
Seek Clarity - in certain circumstances
This is easier said than done because, as said above, many people avoid these conversations. But you can reach out to your friend and ask what their reasons are, particularly if they were previously a long-term close friend. Don’t aim to change the situation, but to gain understanding. Be prepared that someone may not always deliver information you want to hear or in a sensitive way.
Don't let it define your worth
This is obviously easier said than done but it’s important not to let the rejection define you. Rejection will always hurt but it’s hurts alot less if we take it personally. Remember it’s just one person’s opinion of you, you can’t be liked by everyone. If this feels too difficult and you find yourself feeling “not good enough” or “worthless” because of the rejection, it’s a sign to build self worth.
Allow the Pain and Grieve The Friendship
We often think of grief in association with death but it applies to any loss, including the loss of a friendship. The more you resist these feelings or think you shouldn’t be so upset, the worse it can feel. Acknowledge that you are finding this situation very painful and thats okay. Give yourself time to experience the loss.
Maintain social contact and invest in other friendships
If a friend has rejected you it may affect your confidence. You may assume that other people will reject you too and withdraw socially. But the less you socialise the stronger these feelings will be. Maintaining contact with others will help improve self worth and confirm that, although the rejection hurts, its only one persons opinion.
How to Cope With Rejection Sensitivity
Is it a fact or a feeling?
Feeling rejected does not mean you have been rejected. Rejection sensitivity causes strong feelings of rejection which makes you believe someone doesn’t like you anymore. But it’s important to ask yourself, is this a fact or a feeling? Most of the time the only facts of the situation is the behaviour itself and we have no idea what someone is actually thinking.
Challenge your assumptions
Once you have established that something is a feelingnot a fact, try to weigh up evidence. What other examples do you have supports the idea your friend rejects you and how many examples do you have against this? Have you assumed this before with other friends and it’s turned out okay? Learning .C.B.T. skills or working with a C.B.T. therapist can help you learn how to challenge automatic thoughts and generate different perspectives.
Learn Mindful Self Compassion
Mindfulness helps people take a step back from, and relate differently to, troublesome thoughts and feelings. So if you can’t stop thinking that a friend is mad at you, mindfulness can help you to reduce overthinking in friendships. It can also help you to regulate the uncomfortable physical feelings when you feel rejected by a friend, so you can create space around them. To find out more about how mindfulness can help Friendship Anxiety read here.
Friendship Rejection: A Summary
Friendship Rejection is hurtful and sometimes we may feel rejected even if we have not been. Try to know the difference between real and perceived rejection and in both cases, having good self-worth and managing overthinking using mindfulness will help. If you struggle alot with rejection in friendships, either because you are getting over a painful rejection or you are always jumping to conclusions, working with a therapist can help.
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I’m a fully qualified therapist and mindfulness coach specialising in anxiety and low self esteem. I offer practical, evidence based tools that worked for me.
If you’re interested in working with me to feel calmer and more confident in your social life click below for a FREE 15 min consultation.
