I’m a qualified therapist and clearly really value and support the process of therapy. If anyone is struggling with an emotional issue, such as low self esteem, talking it out with a qualified professional is great. Particularly one who can offer you tools tailored to increase it.
But, I am also aware that therapy is not for everyone. It may be too expensive. The waitlist too long. You just might not feel like talking to someone or don’t want the commitment (because it is a commitment).
I therefore do think it is possible to work on yourself and increase self esteem without going to a therapist and this article will give you some tools so you know how.
How do I know if I need to work on my self esteem?
Unless you’re Donald Trump, most people probably have the odd day where they may wonder if they are good enough, become self critical or compare themselves to others. (Although arguably, Donald Trump’s deluded self belief and lack of compassion for others is also evidence of very low esteem but thats for another blog).
However, if you persistantly criticise yourself to the point of feeling regularly anxious. Or feel so worried about what people think of you that your social or romantic life is impacted then working on your self esteem could really improve your mental health. Here are some more signs that low esteem is a problem for you
- You are precoccipied with what other people think of you.
- You feel judged or disliked easily which makes you feel anxious
- You regularly compare yourself to others and feel not good enough
- You find hard to say no as the thought of letting people down makes you feel anxious
- You don’t feel great physically because you cannot prioritise your needs
- You’re very self critical over small mistakes and feel very stressed about them
- You put pressure on yourself to achieve certain things and if you don’t you feel very guilty or ashamed.
- You struggle in relationships because you do not feel loveable
- You feel isolated because you get anxious about social situations.
What causes low self esteem?
Low self esteem can have a variety of causes but often it is due to environmental factors such as:
- Parents who were critical, abusive or emotionally distant
- Bullying at school
- Problems at work such as losing your job
- Social media which creates unrealistic expectations and images of people
- Major life changes such as loss of a relationship or ill health.
However, it is also very common to not recall diffcult experiences but still struggle with low self esteem.
How can I work on my self esteem without seeing a therapist?
There are lots of great self help tools that you can start implementing. That said, if your low self esteem is the result of childhood trauma or you are experience complex symptoms such as self harm, flashbacks, suicidal thoughts or disasociation you should professional help if you can.
Challenge thoughts: Having low self esteem means we interpret the world a particular way. A very common example is jumping to conclusions about what someone is thinking about them. Assuming someone is judging you or dislikes you results in feelings of stress and anxiety but we rarely have evidence for this. This technique comes from Cognitive Behaviourial Theray and involves looking for evidence for the thoughts you are having. Most of the time we think in a certain way because our brains are programmed to jump to conclusions and assume the worst but not based on actual evidence. For example, what evidence do you have that your boss thinks you are bad at your job? How realistic is if that you will get fired for making a mistake?
Mindfulness helps us to give space to difficult thoughts and feelings. Often if we have low self esteem we will be caught up in ruminating with unhelpful, self critical thoughts which make us feel worse. Mindfulness can help you take a step back from them
Self Compassion We are often more critical of ourselves than other people. If you are giving yourself a hard time pause and ask yourself what you would say to a friend. New evidence shows that when people have low self esteem, parts of the brain are activated which means they lack self compassion. By working specifically on increasing your self compassion skills you can increase your self esteem and lower self criticism
Develop healthier core belief. Often at the route of low self esteem in relation to work stress is that only feel good enough if we do well. So the possibility of making a mistake feels really uncomfortable because deep down it makes us feel like a bad person. Bringing attention to this and asking whether these are values you agree with can help. For example, do you think that loved ones are only valuable if they do well? If not then why are you applying this value to your own life.
Be realistic Its easy to compare ourselves to others and assume we don’t measure up but we are usually never comparing like with like. For example if you are new to a job do not compare yourself to people who have been there years and expect to be as good as them.
What books will help me work on low self esteem?
It can be a really good idea to get yourself some effective self help books to work on self esteem. Here are some I would recommend which are use the tools I have talked about above.
- Overcoming Low Self Esteem: Melanie Fennel
- Radical Acceptance: Tara Brach
- Compassionate Mind Workbook: Russel Kolts
- The Mindful Self Compassion Workbook
What other ways can I work on self esteem
Mindfulness & Self Compassion are shown to be really effective in helping self esteem and it is possible to attend a course to help yourself develop the skills. Contact me to find out about my next course or “mindful self compassion UK” to find out about theirs.
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