Our minds were not built for these times. Evolutionary speaking, being too calm and caring in the midst of stressful events would put us at risk. Therefore, the more stressed we are, the more self critical we become and visa versa. We cannot help this as it’s just the way our brains were made. But it’s not very useful in helping us deal with modern challenges!
Cultivating self compassion is key to managing stress. Rather than being a simplistic sticking plaster, self kindness really is at the cutting edge of psychology as brain scans support that we can regulate our stressed selves by stimulating our compassionate ones.
The current home schooling situation is creating a perfect self critical storm for stressed out parents. Being placed under intense pressure to perform 2 jobs sends our threat alarm bells ringing. Not only that, one of the jobs we are doing we have had no training for! Yet it involves meeting the needs of people we love the most! The tendency to blame ourselves, feel we are failing or not good enough is strong. Approaching the situation with self kindness might help navigate the next few weeks/months with better mental health, so please check out my tips below on stimulating your compassionate self in challenging times.
Disclaimer: I am aware that a lot of the problems with home schooling go beyond parents making individual adjustments to our mind set. All children are different, different ages have different needs and schools are putting more pressure on than ever. But if any of this is making you beat yourself up then being kinder might just help.
Self Compassion Tips
- Acknowledge that you are struggling with the current situation. But do this in a kind and caring way, as you would to a loved one, and not in a critical voice.
- Recognise that it is totally understandable to be struggling at the moment, you are being asked to the impossible in the middle of an unprecedented situation.
- Stop for a a few minutes. Shift your attention to some soothing, neutral “anchors” such as your breath, body or a warm cup of tea. The breath in particular may help to calm your fight and flight response.
- Ask yourself what you would say to a good friend or loved one who was struggling like you at the moment. Say those things to yourself and notice your tone. Try to speak internally to yourself in a kind caring way.
- When you are feeling a little bit calmer, take a step back and ask yourself whether you can balance how you are looking at the situation. Are you putting yourself under too much pressure to get everything right? Are you overly worried about the long term implications? Are you unnecessarily concerned with letting the school and your children down? Can you focus on what you have achieved and let go of what you think you haven’t?
- Ask yourself what would be the kindest thing you can do for yourself and family right now. Do it.
- Keep noticing any tendency to self blame or use a critical inner voice and practice using a compassion one instead. Keep using your soothing breath/anchor when you need a little compassion break.