I’ve always considered myself quite assertive and able to say no when I needed. So to realise a few years ago that I was a people pleaser came as a bit of a surprise. Most of my life a need to be liked and a desire to fit in stopped me from being myself. So when I recognised this as people pleasing and worked on it I felt a lot happier. The word “people pleaser” typically conjures up a image of a timid type who can’t say no. That may be true of some, but there are many different ways to people please, some less obvious, but all can be equally damaging to our wellbeing. This article will explore the different types of people pleasers and explain how you can stop people pleasing for life using evidence based tools.
The Yes Person
This is the classic type and the one your mind comes up when we say the phrase “people pleaser”.
A “yes person” is someone who literally says yes to everything even if they would rather say no. There is a fear of letting people down so if someone asks for help or you get invited to a night out (that you would rather not go to!) the “no” word feels too uncomfortable to say.
“Yes people” fear saying no usually either due to fear of rejection or guilt about how the other person might be feeling.
Needless to say constantly agreeing to things you don’t want to do isn’t great for mental health as you’ll overstretch yourself and burnout. But always going along with experiences you don’t enjoy or putting the needs of others first will erode your quality. You’r also likely to experience symptoms of anxiety when trying to assert your needs.
"The Empath" or "The fixer"
This is very similar to the yes person but is more of a general feeling of being tuned into the emotions of others and feeling responsibility to fix them. An empath will fear saying no (as they do not want to upset another person) but also generally worried about the people around them. You might be preoccupied with the needs of others and are prone to guilt if you cannot help them. You’re likely to take the blame for things that are not your fault and feel guilty or worried if someone you are close too seems off or in a bad mood. Being on hyper alert for the needs of people around you is draining, stressful and leads to unhelpful decisions.
"The chameleon" or "the comparer"
Your people pleasing takes a “chameleon” quality if you try too hard to fit in with others (this was me!). We all do this to some extent but if you feel you need to be the same as others to be liked then its not a healthy. You may take on the views of others, try to have the same interests or feel you can’t do things that are important to you because of fear of what people will think. It can be hard to know you are a chameleon as you may be so used to fitting in with others you have lost touch with your own needs and wants. You are likely to often compare yourself to others, or the lives they seem to be leading, and think you need to be doing the same in order feel worthwhile. Ultimately this leads to inauthentic living which increases your risk of depression.
The entertainer
In contrast with our image of the timid people pleaser, the entertainer needs to be the life and soul of the party. They may be naturally outgoing anyway but also think they need to be that way in order to be liked. So they’ll judge themselves if they think they weren’t “funny” or “clever” enough when interacting with people socially. This leads to overthinking social interactions and not feeling good enough if they weren’t able to “perform” and get the approval they seek. Along with the high of validation following a good night you may also experience self criticism and low mood if you feel you were less impressive.
The busy bee
Some people pleasers always seem to be on the go and never feel they can rest. They may be busy with a list of jobs that have to be done perfectly or looking after everyone else. They feel guilty if they sit down or always seem to be doing things to keep up with others. At work a busy bee may push themselves too hard to reach impossible deadlines or constantly answer enquiries even if they are in the middle of things. Its no surprise that this can of people pleaser is highly prone to stress!
The perfectionist or the achiever
If you push yourself at work, beat yourself up for making a mistake or feel you need to excel at everything then this is you. Having pride in your work is a good thing but perfectionists are hate failure due to a fear of rejection or a sense of shame. It can be good to work hard, but if fear of failure drives it then you’ll be more prone to stress and can be plummeted into self criticism when things go wrong.
How to stop people pleasing
Although people pleasing can feel like part of who you are and you don’t know any different, you can change with conscious effort and effective tools. Learning how to stop people pleasing requires understanding the cause, putting in bounderies but also dealing more effectively with the new feelings that may come from doing things differently.
Setting bounderies
People pleasers usually have a very hard time setting bounderies as it just hasn’t occured to them before. Recognising you lack healthy bounderies can be a powerful step and then think about smalls ways you can say no to look after your needs first. However, working on bounderies alone without addressing the cause of the bounderies will not work and you need to challenge the unhelpful thoughts and feelings that underpin them (see below).
Learn mindfulness
People pleasers are highly prone to overthinking and rumination which keeps them in the people pleasing pattern. They believe the thoughts that tell them they can’t let someone down or feel so consumed by worries about what other people think they can’t tune into their own needs.
Mindfulness is a widely used tool that can help you manage overthinking but also tune into and respond differently to the uncomfortable physical feelings (such as dread in chest) that can cause people pleasing. If you want to get started with mindfulness you can download my FREE “breakfree from overthinking” guide below.
Practice Self Compassion
People pleasers find it hard to be kind to themselves. They judge themselves for feeling bad, are easily self critical and are unlikely to prioritise their needs. Therefore they tend to lack self compassion but this is a skill that can be learnt. An easy way of developing self compassion is asking how you would treat a friend. Notice when you are struggling and remind yourself that you cannot help it. Pause and bring attention to the ways you are being unkind and ask what you would say to a friend.
Challenge your thoughts
Its often the assumption we make about other people that maintains people pleasing. For example, you might assume that someone will be annoyed with you for saying no or that you’ll be rejected for not behaving in a certain way. These are automatic thoughts and we normally have little evidence for them. Ask yourself what assumptions are underpining your people pleasing patterns and generate more realistic alternatives. Learning Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques yourself or from a therapist can help.
Increase self esteem
Commonly at the route of people pleasing behaviour is a lack of self esteem and a need for validation from external sources. If a person ultimately feels okay about themselves they’ll be more secure in their relationships and less likely to please others. Therefore building self esteem is key to learning how to stop people pleasing. However, this is obviously easier said that done as low self esteem is usually deeply ingrained from childhood. But recognising this is the cause and that you can work on how you feel about yourself is the first step. It can take a long time to increase self esteem but it is possible with hard work, the right resources and potentially therapy. You can read more about how to increase self esteem here.
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About me
My name is Rebecca Stambridge and am a qualified therapist and mindfulness teacher. I love helping women who struggle with stress and anxiety due to not feeling good enough because I used to feel that way too. I offer 1-1 therapy and run online courses. If you want information about working with me click here.
