Do you have a close friend who seems popular with everyone and you feel jealous of her other friendships? Or maybe you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, but feel insecure because there’s someone new in the picture? Perhaps you’re part of a group but often feel left out when others seem closer to each other than they are to you. Jealousy in friendships is natural, but if these feelings are strong and unmanagable, they can cause alot of stress and even damage the friendships we care about most. In this blog, we’ll explore why friendship jealousy happens and how you can cope with it in a healthy, empowering way.
My experience of learning to cope with jealousy in friendship
I have always been someone who gravitated towards 1-1 friendships rather than being in a group. If I made friends with someone and felt an intense connection with them, I wouldn’t need anyone else. The trouble was, some of the friends did need other friends and I liked them for a reason. Because they were popular. Over the years, that need for their exclusive attention got in the way of maintaining friendships as I found it hard to share them. I would sometimes feel they no longer cared about me and withdrew. Looking back, I know now that feeling jealous made me push people away and I have lost really good friends over the years because of it.
When I realised in my late 30s that my jealousy in friendships was due to how I felt about myself, I started to work on it. I made an effort to remind myself that a person can still care very much for me, even if they had other friends and this has made my friendships last.
Signs jealousy in friendships is a problem for you
- You feel very anxious if your friend seems close to other friends because it makes you feel they care about you less
- You overthink your friendships and compare yourself to their other friends
- If a friend makes a new friend, you don’t like them and appear unfriendly towards them which causes problems in your friendship
- You often feel left out in a group if some friends seem close or have something in common that you don’t which impacts on your mood and confidence
- You feel you have to compete with other people to be someone’s “best friend” which may make you overcommit to try too hard to please someone.
- You withdraw from your friends because you assume they do not care about you anymore because they have other friends.
Why its important to cope with jealousy in friendships:
Whilst feeling jealous is normal in friendships, if not managed it can have a big impact on a persons mental health. For example, it can increase your risk of anxiety such as feeling on edge, not being able to sleep or concentrate. It could also cause low mood and lack of confidence if you are being criticial of yourself and comparing yourself to others.
Feeling jealous can also impact the friendships because you may act possessive which puts pressure on your friendship. Your friend may feel suffocated and back away (which is fulfilling the very thing you fear the most) or you may withdraw because of finding the feelings too uncomfortable. However, having positive connections is good for our mental health so if jealousy ruins you friendships it may increase isolation and impact on your wellbeing.
What causes jealousy in friendships
You are likely to experience stong feelings of jealousy in a friendship if you have an insecure insecure attachment style and low self worth. Our attachment style reflects how safe we feel in close relationships and whether we feel worthy of love. If we have an insecure attachment style it means we will be on guard for being rejected or abandoned by people, usually because deep down you don’t feel good enough. Our attachments systems are almost always determined by experiences we have had childhood.
For example, we may have experienced loss of a parent or divorce or had parents who were critical, emotionally unavailable or even neglectful or abusive. These experiences lead to low self esteem that shape on our attachment style. However, it is also possible to experience friendship jealousy due to other life experiences such as being bullied at school, having a difficult relationship with your siblings or something neurodiversity. You can read more about how anxious attachment styles cause anxiety in friendships here
Why its normal to experience some jealousy in friendships
Although its easy to feel bad about yourself for feeling jealousy in a friendships, you cannot help feeling this way because its the way human brains are built. We may think of ourselves as modern humans with our smart phones and netflix accounts but so much of how we feel, including jealousy, is due to parts of the brain we have had since stone age times.
Back then, our fight and flight systems protected us against predators by sending signals to the body and brain that we weren’t safe. But as we depended on other people for food and shelter, our fight and flight systems also tried to protect us from being rejected by “our tribe”. Therefore we have evolved with a part of the brain thats always on the look out for whether we are are loved and accepted.
People who struggle with jealousy in frienships have an overactive threatened part of the brain which means you are more likely to jump to conclusions and be on guard for rejection in friendships.
How to cope with jealousy in friendships and feel more secure
The good news is that there are plenty of proven tools you can implement straight away to reduce jeolusy in friendships and start to feel more secure. However, it can take time to make significant changes and you may need to keep working on it. Below are a list of the most effective, evidence based tools I have used on myself and clients to reduce jealousy in friendships.
Increase awareness of the situations that trigger jealousy
Often we are caught up in the feelings of jealousy without really realising it. You may know we’re overthinking something or feeling anxious by another friend without acknowledging its happening. Recognising that you are feeling jealous but without judging yourself is the first step to increasing awareness and helping you make changes.
Develop healthier ways of looking at situations
When we feel anxious about something its common for our mind to jump to conclusions. For example, thinking that your friend prefers someone else or that you are being left out. But even those these thoughts feel very real they are just assumptions. So noticing the thoughts that are making you anxious and considering whether they a “fact or feeling” can help you to develop different perspectives. For example, it can be helpful to ask yourself whether you are capable of having more than on friend and whether this changes how you feel about people? More often than not, people can feel affection for a lot of people and just because we become close to new friends does not mean we lose affection for others.
This approach is based on C.B.T. which you can learn from a qualified C.B.T. therapist or apply self help techniques
Practice mindfulness
As explained above, what is going on in our minds affects how we feel but they are just thoughts. Trying to push them away can often backfire and mindfulness helps us to increase our awareness that “A thought it just a thought”. It can also help you stop overthinking by bringing your attention back to the present.
To get started, try focussing some of your attention on other things in the present moment, such as your feet, sounds around you or what you eat and drink. Regular meditation can also help increase your mindfulness skills and accessing a course or a therapist trained in mindfulness can help.
Regulate anxiety and sooth yourself.
If you feel jealous about your friends it can cause symptoms of anxiety such as a tightness in the chest, knot in the stomach and shallow breathing. This is an automatic reaction from your bodies fight and flight system and it can make you feel even more anxious. Trying to regulate your anxiety by learning breathing techniques can be a really effective way of feeling calmer about a situation and will help you to get a different perspective. You can learn more about breathing tools for anxiety here.
Try to improve your self worth.
Ultimately if you have a low opinion of yourself then you are more likely to experience jealousy in friendships. This is because, if deep down you don’t feel good enough, you will assume other people will reject you. Low self worth tends to come from childhood experiences and can affect all areas of our life. It can take a while to improve self worth but it is possible and recognising this is causing your friendship jealousy is the first step. You can read more about how to do that here but working with a therapist can also help.
Broaden your own friendship circle
If you feel dependant on one particular friend and feel jealous about their other friends, it might be a good idea to broaden your friendship circle. This does not mean being less close to your friend, but helps you to realise that connections with others are possible. This is likely to put less pressure on the friendship and help you feel more confident.
About Jealousy In Friendships: A summary
Jealousy in friendships is perfectly natural. However, being too possessive about a friend can cause necessary stress and negatively impact friendships. You are more likely to experience strong feelings of jealousy in friendships if you struggle with low self worth and have an insecure attachment style. It can be managed by using CBT tools, mindfulness, increasing self worth and sometimes its helpful to work with a therapist.
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I’m a fully qualified therapist and mindfulness coach specialising in anxiety and low self esteem. I offer practical, evidence based tools that worked for me.
If you’re interested in working with me to feel calmer and more confident in your social life click below for a FREE 30 min consultation.
