Do you find friendships a source of anxiety? Perhaps you worry if they are mad at you or going to leave you for another friend? Do you feel insecure with friends, even if you have known them a long time? If so, if could be that an anxious attachment style is affecting your friendships and causing friendship anxiety.
You may have heard of attachment styles but assumed it related to romantic relationships. In fact, attachment styles relate to how we are with anyone we are close to and its very common to find they shape our friendships too. If you struggle with anxiety in relation to friendships and think that you have an anxious attachment style, don’t worry, you are not alone.
This blog will explain what it means to experience anxious attachments in friendnships, how to spot if this is happening to you and crucially what to do about it.
- What is an anxious attachment style?
- Signs of anxious attachment in friendships
- Causes of anxious attachments in friendship
- How to reduce anxious attachment styles in friendship and ease friendship anxiety
What is an anxious attachment style?
Our attachment styles refer to how we relate to people close to us and whether we feel safe and accepted. If we have a “secure” attachment style we generally feel that people can be relied upon. We feel that we can be ourselves and are not worried about rejection or abandonment. About 50% of the population have secure attachment styles.
If you have an anxious attachment style you will never feel you can entirely trust another person to stick around or accept you. You’ll be on the constant look out for rejection or abandonment and therefore always wondering what their thinking and what they want from you. You’ll also experience low self esteem and assume people won’t want you because you feel unworthy and unloveable.
Signs of an anxious attachments in friendship (i.e. friendship anxiety)
Anxious attachment styles tend to be talked about in relationships as it can cause peoples due to causing jealousy or “neediness”. However, attachment styles shape any close relationships we have including friendships. In fact, some people find that the closer they get to their friends the more anxious they feel! This is because the more we know someone, the more “attached” we are and the more our attachment style will kick in. Another way to describe having an anxious attachment in friendships is friendship anxiety.
Typical signs of anxious attachments in friendships (friendship anxiety) include:
- Often worrying if yours friends are mad at you.
- Feeling anxious if they don’t reply to a message.
- Feeling you cannot say no or they may be angry.
- Not turning down social events due to fear of being left our or forgotten about.
- Getting jealous if they appear close to other friends.
- Finding friendship groups stressful due to feeling left out or being worried that people are making plans without you.
What causes an anxious attachments in friendships.
Tiny babies are completely dependant on their care givers to survive. Therefore being loved and fed makes us feel “safe”. If a care giver has (mostly) been tuned into and met our needs we will feel secure around others. We will feel we can predict people’s behaviour and that they will be attentive to our needs. If a parent is rejecting or unable to meet our needs, a child will become distressed as they will feel unsafe. Later they form a perception of themselves as being unloveble and other people being unreliable.
Therefore, babies and young children shape their behavour to maximuse the chances of being cared for. In babies this may present as crying or clinginess to get the attention they need . But in adults this can become overthinking a persons behaviour, jumping to conclusions or experiencing overwhelming emotions due to fear of rejection or abandonment.
But thats not all, well as needing our immediate carers to survive, from an evolutionary point of view, we also need to feel safe in groups of people. This is because being accepted by our tribe would have kept us safe from harm. We’re therefore always on the look out for how we are percieved by others. So if our attachment style is anxious because of our childhood, this will feed into how secure we feel around friendships in adulthood because it is trying to protect us based on past experiences.
How to reduce anxious attachments in friendships and ease friendship anxiety
The first thing to remember if you experience anxious attachments in friendships is that its not your fault. As you have read, the forces that shape our attachment styles are way beyond our control and due to strong evolutionary, environmental and biological forces. Also, when we are triggered by a situation that make us feel anxious, our mind and body will automatically react in a certain way in order to protect us. But this is below our awareness and involves strong physical and emotional sensations that hijack our logical mind. However, the good news is that you can change this with awareness and a commitment to the steps below.
Recognise what is happening with kindness
Next time you feel triggered by a situation with a friend and feeling insecure, bring a kindly attention to what is happening. Recognise that you’re feeling anxious and pay attention to the thoughts and feelings with kindness. This will help help you take a step back from the situation, rather than getting caught up in it. Instead of judging yourself and wishing you didn’t do it, acknowledge you cannot help it as its your attachment system trying to protect you.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a key skill to help you pause and notice your thoughts and feelings non-judgmentally when you are anxious. This enables you to create space so that you can respond differently. It also helps you recognise that “a thought it just a thought” and bring your attention back to the present moment, rather than being consumed by thoughts that spiral. You can learn more about how mindfulness and how it can help here.
Reframe your assumptions
When we are triggered by a particular situation its very easy to assume our thoughts and feelings are the truth. There is a good reason for that because our evolved brain needs us to make snap decisions for our protection. We therefore mind read and jump to conclusions.
You’re friend hasn’t replied to you? You feel anxious therefore she must be mad at you. But our thoughts are being influenced by our emotions and not our rationality. Once you have paused mindfully to notice and take a step back from your thoughts it can be helpful to weigh up the evidence. It can help to write your thoughts down and reflect on whether your thought it true and what might be another explanation.
Learn to sooth yourself and reduce anxiety
When we are feeling anxious about our friends we breath more quickly and our heart rate quickens which further increases anxiety and overthinking. Being able to calm your nervous system by slowing your breathing down is therefore really helpful. Doing this at least once a day and in moments when you are feeling anxious will help you feel calmer and get perspective.
Work on your self esteem.
Ultimately if we have a low opinion of ourselves or fear rejection then we will be more likely to feel anxious with our friends. This is because low self esteem causes us to feel not good enough and and contributes to an anxious attachment style. Working with a therapist can be helpful to explore, and overcome, reasons for this and recognising that low esteem is affecting you life is the first step to change.
Cultivate Self Compassion
There is increasing evidence that self compassion reduces anxiety, improves self esteem and heals anxious attachments. Self compassion combines all the above tools (i.e. mindfulness, reframing thoughts, soothing the nervous system) to create a powerful intervention that enables you to tune into how you are feeling, not judge yourself but ask what would be a more helpful way of responding.
You can practice self compassion meditations yourself or work with a specialist therapist/teacher.
Work with a therapist
Although there are lots you can do on your own, many people find that working with a therapist helps to heal insecure attachments and overcome friendship anxiety. Its important to find a therapist you feel comfortable with and you can find information via online directories. You can also contact me if you want to arrange a consultation to discuss working 1-1 and using the above tools.
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About me: My name is Rebecca Stambridge and I am a Compassion Informed CBT therapist and mindfulness teacher specialising in low esteem, stress and anxiety. I run courses both online and face to face as well as a 1-1 private therapy practice. Use this form to let me know you’re interested in working with me.
