Do you worry what people think of you? Feel insecure in relationships? Perhaps beat yourself up over the slightest mistake and find it hard to say no. These, along with other traits explained below, are signs of low self esteem so if you recognise them you might be wondering how to improve yours. The good news is you can improve your self esteem but you need to know how.
What is Self Esteem?
Self Esteem describes how a person perceives themselves such as their personal qualities, skills, attractiveness but also includes whether they feel loveable and worthy as a person. Low self esteem means that a person has a low opinion of themselves for example, feeling there is something wrong with them or that they are not as good as others. It can mean lacking in confidence about their skills and abilities or feeling that they are only worthy of love if they behave in a certain way.
What are the signs of low self esteem?
Not feeling great about ourselves will change our behaviour but can affect people in different ways. For example, it can mean they lack confidence to go for a promotion or feel confident in work but struggle to feel secure in close relationships.
However, some common signs include:
- Being very self critical over small mistakes
- Putting pressure on yourself to do everything correctly (perfectionism)
- Comparing yourself to others
- Needing to achieve certain things in order to feel good about yourself.
- Wondering what people think of you
- Assuming people are judging you or have an bad opinion of you.
- Struggling in relationships because you do not feel loveable
- Struggling to say no to others for fear of letting people down
- Finding it hard to prioritise your needs
Why do I have low self esteem?
Low self esteem can have a variety of causes but often it is due to environmental factors such as:
- Parents who were critical, abusive or emotionally distant
- Bullying at school
- Problems at work such as losing your job
- Social media which creates unrealistic expectations and images of people
- Major life changes such as loss of a relationship or ill health.
However, it is also very common to not recall diffcult experiences but still struggle with low self esteem.
How can I improve low self esteem?
Sometimes a person needs therapy to improve self esteem, particularly if due to stressful childhood experiences, but if the symptoms are not complex it can be possible to use self help tools. It may feel like an impossible task to change how you feel about yourself but this is because it is how you have been thinking and feeling for years. Trying new ways of relating to yourself may seem hard at first but with practice it can become second nature.
Record positive qualities: People with low self esteem are more like to focus on their negative traits and overlook positive ones. For example, remembering mistakes they have made or things they feel they are not good at. Using a journal, make a conscious effort to spend each day writing down things you are good at, compliments you have recieved, qualities you are proud of (such as being kind). It does not matter how small, just keep finding examples and your brain will start to notice more.
Challenge thoughts: This technique comes from Cognitive Behaviourial Theray and involves looking for evidence for the thoughts you are having. Most of the time we think in a certain way because our brains are programmed to jump to conclusions and assume the worst but not based on actual evidence. If you are assuming people are judging you or don’t like you ask yourself “Is this a fact or a feeling”? “Is there any evidence for this? Is there any evidence against?”
Mindfulness helps us to give space to difficult thoughts and feelings. Often if we have low self esteem we will be caught up in ruminating with unhelpful, self critical thoughts which make us feel worse. Mindfulness can help you take a step back from them
Self Compassion We are often more critical of ourselves than other people. If you are giving yourself a hard time pause and ask yourself what you would say to a friend
Be realistic Its easy to compare ourselves to others and assume we don’t measure up. Particularly based on information we see on social media. Remind yourself that social media is not realistic or take into account ways that your circumstances differ from others. For example if you are new to a job do not compare yourself to people who have been there years and expect to be as good as them.
How can I access therapy for low self esteem?
If you would like assistance to improve your self esteem then I offer specialist therapy which incorporates the above techniqes. You can visit my main page to find out more about this or contact me to arrange a free consultation.
