Relationships are not always easy and can take hard work but if you have low self worth they can be even harder. For example, do you find it hard to trust people which causes arguments or you struggle to don’t feel confident enough to start relationships in the first place? Maybe you find yourself regularly in relationships with people who treat you badly? Or perhaps low self worth affects other platonic relationships such as worrying what close friends think and fearing rejection? This blog will explain how low self worth affects relationships and how you can take steps to improve yours.
What is low self worth?
Low self worth means carrying a core belief of not being good enough or loveable as a person. It can very be hard to spot if our self worth is low because its not always linked what we think about our skills or qualities. For example, we can be confident on the outside because we are the life and soul of the party, but if we lie awake at night wondering what people thought of us we probably still lack self worth. Low self worth is usually caused by early childhood experiences which means find it hard to reassure ourselves that we are good enough and constantly seek validation from the outside.
It may be very rare for a person to have 100% high self worth all the time because humans are designed to care what people think and we live in a society which feeds that. For example, people with money, good looks and are “popular” are celebrated in the media. However, having very low self worth is likely to impact on your personal and professional life or even cause mental health issues. The phrase low self worth often used interchangeably with low self esteem and there are lots of similarities. However, low self esteem is linked to how we feel about our overall qualities and skills whereas worth is linked to whether we feel fundamentally good enough as a person.
As low self worth causes a person not to be feel loveable or good enough, it can have implications for relationships because a person will view the world from that perspective. For example, they may have have a deep fear of abdondonment or rejection and try to protect themselves through their thoughts and behaviour. This can mean feeling anxious about being left or pushing someome away to prevent beng hurt. Another way to describe this is having an “anxious attachment style” but unfortunately these behaviours often sabotage relationships which therefore creates a vicious cycle by confirming the low self worth that caused it in the first place.
Although many people are concerned about how low self worth affects romantic relationships, its just as common for the same patterns to occur in friendships too. This is because the same belief of being not good enough or loveable will also show up in friendships and make a person anxious. These feelings can occur when getting to know new friends but also with friends you have known a long time. If you want to find out more about how low self worth can cause anxiety in friendships specifically read here.
Needing lots of reassurance
If a person feels insecure they will often be on the look out for evidence that a person is not committed to them. This might jump to conclusions about why a person is acting a certain way which makes them feel very anxious and then needing reassurance. Unfortunately if this happens at the beginning of a relationship it can make a person appear needy and result in the other person backing off.
Not trusting your partner and feeling jealous
Because a person with low self worth will fear rejection and not feel they can rely on others, they will assume people cannot be trusted. They might be paranoid that a person is cheating on them or feel anxious about their partners friends and colleagues. This can make a person seem controlling and result in the relationship ending anyway
Becoming dependant on your partner
If you have low self worth you may struggle to be on your own and only feel happy and complete in a relationship. When one starts, it means you can forget other aspects of your life like hobbies or friendships as they do not seem as important. Unfortunately this can put too much pressure on the relationship because it has to meet all a persons needs which is not realistic. Ironically, people can then feel less happy and the relationship might suffer.
Staying single or not persuing relationship
A person with very low self worth will assume they are not attractive or appealing to the opposite sex (or friends) and therefore hold themselves back from starting relationships or not see signs someone is interested. As they fear rejection, it feels safer to protect themselves by not entering into relationships but this further confirms their belief that they are not attractive to others.
Staying in relationships where you are treated badly
Often a person with low self worth will find themselves in relationships with people that treat then badly. This can happen more than once and a person may conclude they are unlucky or unable to find a partner that treats them well. However, in most cases a person finds themselves in this situation because having low self worth means they are more likely to accept being badly treated. Sometimes they are more likely to be attracted to people that treat them badly, because this feels familiar, and reject people who could treat them well.
Not being able to commit to long term relationships
Sometimes a person with low self worth will push others away. This is because they fear that if another person gets to know them they will not love them or will hurt them anyway due to their internal belief of not feeling good enough. They’re not always aware that they are doing doing this and may inadvertently sabotage a relationship or friendship or find things wrong with the other person .
5 steps to stop low self worth affecting relationships
Increase awareness of your attachment patterns
The most important first step is to increase awareness of the ways that low self worth is affecting your relationships. Using a journal or a thought diary reflect on the patterns of behaviour that you notice and the way that you regularly think and feel in response to certain situations. For example, do you start arguments because you think your partner does not care about you or do you say no to dates because of assuming you will get hurt? Maybe you feel very anxious when people do not reply to text messages and does this make you act differently, such as sending more? Doing an honest and thorough inventory will help you notice when this patterns happen in daily life
Challenge your assumptions
Low self worth means we will interpret people’s behaviour in a way which fits that belief. This means we will jump to conclusions based on how we feel rather than objective evidence. Next time you feel triggered by a situation, acknowledge that “your thoughts are not facts” and generate alternative explanations. This can feel tricky at first as we often do not believe our new thoughts but over time we can develop more realistic thinking.
Regulate your emotions
Experiencing low self worth in relationships means your fight and flight system will be triggered by situations with your partner and you experience symptoms of anxiety. However, symptoms of anxiety increase anxious thinking and can make it harder to get perspective. Learning tools to regularly ground yourself and practice deep breathing helps you feel calmer so that you can think and act differently.
Practice mindfulness to stop overthinking relationships
Overthinking relationships is a very common trait with people who lack self worth. You may find yourself getting preoccupied with the other person and trying to analyse their behaviour. Unfortunately this feeds the anxious cycle and make a person feel more insecure. Although its natural to think about your romantic partner (particularly at the beginning of the relationship) overthinking can be damaging to the persons mental health. Mindfulness is a very effective tool to manage overthinking and you can read more about that here or download my guide below.
Make small steps to change behaviour.
Once you have noticed your patterns and develop skills to manage your thoughts and feelings, you may find this naturally helps you feel more secure so your behaviour changes. However, sometimes old habits are ingrained so we have to make a conscious effort to change but small steps are better. For example, if you often send text messages too soon, can you occupy yourself to wait a bit longer? Or if you check their social media activity to make sure they are being faithful, can you take small steps to reduce it?
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