Relationships are not always easy and can take hard work but if you have low self worth they can be even harder. For example, do you find it hard to trust people which causes arguments or you struggle to don’t feel confident enough to start relationships in the first place? Maybe you find yourself regularly in relationships with people who treat you badly? Or perhaps low self worth affects other platonic relationships such as worrying what close friends think and fearing rejection? This blog will explain how low self worth affects relationships and how you can take steps to improve yours.
What is low self worth?
Low self worth means carrying a core belief of not being good enough or loveable as a person. It can very be hard to spot if our self worth is low because its not always linked what we think about our skills or qualities. For example, we can be confident on the outside because we are the life and soul of the party, but if we lie awake at night wondering what people thought of us we probably still lack self worth. Low self worth is usually caused by early childhood experiences which means find it hard to reassure ourselves that we are good enough and constantly seek validation from the outside.
It may be very rare for a person to have 100% high self worth all the time because humans are designed to care what people think and we live in a society which feeds that. For example, people with money, good looks and are “popular” are celebrated in the media. However, having very low self worth is likely to impact on your personal and professional life or even cause mental health issues. The phrase low self worth often used interchangeably with low self esteem and there are lots of similarities. However, low self esteem is linked to how we feel about our overall qualities and skills whereas worth is linked to whether we feel fundamentally good enough as a person.
As low self worth causes a person not to be feel loveable or good enough, it can have implications for relationships because a person will view the world from that perspective. For example, they will look for signs in others that confirms the belief of being unloveable and therefore interpret their behaviour as such. Another way to describe this is having an “anxious attachment style” and examples of how that shows up in relationships include:
- Seeking reassurance that a person does love or care about them which can result in seeming needy or controlling.
- Looking for evidence that a person may not love them as a way of protecting themselves such as not trusting what a person says.
- Assuming they are not attractive to others and therefore do not persue close relationships
- Finding yourself repeatedly in relationships where you are mistreated due to feeling you deserve it.
- Trying too hard in the beginning of relationships which can make people back off.
- Fearing intimacy because people will get to know the “real you” so you push them away.
Unfortunately these behaviours often sabotage relationships which therefore creates a vicious cycle because it confirms the low self worth that caused it in the first place.
How Low Self Worth Affects Platonic Relationships
Although many people are concerned about how low self worth is affecting their romantic relationships, its just as common for the same patterns to occur in friendships too. This is because the same belief of being not good enough or loveable will also show up in friendships and make a person anxious. This can occur when getting to know new friends but also with people you have known a long time. If you want to find out more about how low self worth can cause anxiety in friendships read here.
5 steps to stop low self worth affecting relationships
Increase awareness of your attachment patterns
The most important first step is to increase awareness of the ways that low self worth is affecting your relationships. Using a journal or a thought diary reflect on the patterns of behaviour that you notice and the way that you regularly think and feel in response to certain situations. For example, do you start arguments because you think your partner does not care about you or do you say no to dates because of assuming you will get hurt? Maybe you feel very anxious when people do not reply to text messages and does this make you act differently, such as sending more? Doing an honest and thorough inventory will help you notice when this patterns happen in daily life
Challenge your assumptions
Low self worth means we will interpret people’s behaviour in a way which fits that belief. This means we will jump to conclusions based on how we feel rather than objective evidence. Next time you feel triggered by a situation, acknowledge that “your thoughts are not facts” and generate alternative explanations. This can feel tricky at first as we often do not believe our new thoughts but over time we can develop more realistic thinking.
Regulate your emotions
Experiencing low self worth in relationships means your fight and flight system will be triggered by situations with your partner and you experience symptoms of anxiety. However, symptoms of anxiety increase anxious thinking and can make it harder to get perspective. Learning tools to regularly ground yourself and practice deep breathing helps you feel calmer so that you can think and act differently.
Practice mindfulness to stop overthinking relationships
Make small steps to change behaviour.
Once you have noticed your patterns and develop skills to manage your thoughts and feelings, you may find this naturally helps you feel more secure so your behaviour changes. However, sometimes old habits are ingrained so we have to make a conscious effort to change but small steps are better. For example, if you often send text messages too soon, can you occupy yourself to wait a bit longer? Or if you
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