,As we get older, life has a habit of getting in the way of friendships. We may move to a new town, start a family or simply drift from childhood school friends. But, unlike childhood, we don’t have a classroom full of potential “new best friends” to replace them, so getting to know new friends as an adult can be hard. However, sometimes, how a person thinks and behaves can make it even harder. This blog will explore how to make friends as an adult by overcoming these common “mistakes”.
6 common mistakes that stop people making friends as an adult
Assuming people don't like you
If we lack confidence when meeting new people its often because we worry too much about being liked. As it happens we all have an inbuilt “negative bias” which is a hangover from prehistoric times when we needed to protect ourselves from unfriendly tribes. But in people with low self esteem this tends to be higher. Ironically, the more we assume people don’t like us the less confident and more standoffiish we seem which can result a self fulfilling prophecy. Experiment with assuming people like you when you meet them and notice the difference this makes. If you find this hard, accessing CBT therapy can help to change unhelpful thinking.
Comparing yourself to others and thinking you need a group of friends
Its common to think that everyone has a gang of friends and that you need to be part of one to be normal. If you force yourself to be part of a group of friends you may end up feeling you don’t fit in. Many people find groups stressful and thrive on a small number of 1-1 connections. Reflect on what kind of friendships might suit you and how many friends you actually need. Get to know individual people who you can have a genuine connection with and take your time nurturing those friendships. .
Not opening up and sharing problems
Sometimes people who struggle to make new friends, or to deepen their exisiting friendships, don’t open up about their problems. They may worry that if they share that they’re struggling they will seem imperfect or a burden. Sometimes this is due to not feeling their emotions were important as a child so opening up feels risky because they fear someone will reject them However, research shows that sharing emotions and being vulnerable in friendships fosters intimacy which helps to strengthen them. If this feels scary then try to open gradually to people you feel the most comfortable with.
Changing yourself to be who you think people want you to be.
If you think you need to so change to be who people want you to be then this is another sign of low self esteem. We all adapt ourselves slightly to fit in with people around us, but if you do this too much it can be because you don’t feel “good enough” as you are. However, if we aren’t being ourselves then this can get in the way of making authentic connections. You may also be trying too hard to impress people which puts you under pressure and so you feel less comfortable. All of which can backfire. In reality, people arent looking for perfect friends just like them and the easist way to meet the right people is to be yourself.
Taking things personally if people cancel
When you’re trying to get to know new people you may be making arrangments with new friends. However, if someone cancels or doesn’t reply to a text you may take that personally and withdraw which becomes a vicious cycle. Our minds are actually wired to “mind read” and if we have low self esteem, we are more likely to assume the worst. Its important not to jump to conclusions and have try to get perspective. Remind yourself you don’t know whats going on with someone and remember times you have cancelled on people too. In most circumstances the situations gets resolved and new plans are made.
Give up quickly
If you were trying to find a romantic partner, you would go on a few dates or even attempt a few relationships that might fail before finding “the one”. However, when it comes to friendships you may think things should work out with all potential friends. If they don’t, or they aren’t developing as quickly as we would like them too, we may lose confidence and give up. Since it can be hard to find people you truly click with, be prepared for it to take a while. You may have to get to know a number of people reasonably well before deciding if they are right for you and be patient
How to make friends as an adult: Other tips
If the above mistakes resonate and are find them hard to overcome, it could be a good idea to seek therapy for self esteem. Often people with low self esteem fear rejection because they don’t feel good enough to make friends and overcoming that can be hard without professional help.
However, even if you are trying to have a positive attitude, its still important to be proactive. Friendships don’t always occur naturally in adult life and if we feel lonely its important to take steps to address it. Accessing places where you will meet other adults with similar interests is really important so look for clubs or volunteering opportunities in your area. As said above, friendships take time, so try to attend as regularly as you can and expect to get to know people gradually for at least 6 months before friendships occur.
In Summary: How to make friends as an adult
Making friends as an adult is hard because we don’t have as many opportunities to socialise as we did as children. However, if you lack self esteem then you may make “mistakes” that can make it harder. This includes: Assuming people do not like you; taking things personally; not opening up or changing yourself, thinking you need a group of friends and giving up too quickly. Trying to challenge how you think and behave can be effective and therapy can help you do this.
Want to work with me?
I’m a fully qualified therapist and mindfulness coach specialising in anxiety and low self esteem. I offer practical, evidence based tools that worked for me.
If you’re interested in working with me to feel calmer and more confident in your social life click below for a FREE 30 min consultation.
