The Ultimate Guide To Friendship Anxiety: Signs, Causes And How To Overcome It

If you often find yourself overthinking your close friendships it could be a sign of Friendship Anxiety. People with friendship anxiety worry excessively about being rejected by their friends so it makes a person doubt their friendships, overthink interactions and feel they always have to please their friends. It can have a significant impact on a persons life because it can prevent them from having satisfying connections as well as negatively effect their mental health. As a therapist and friendship anxiety expert, I have written the ultimate guide to explain the signs of friendship anxiety, common causes and how to overcome it

What is friendship anxiety

Frienship Anxiety means not feeling secure in your friendships so you constantly worry about being rejected and losing your friends. This makes you overthink your friendships, second guess your friends and change your behaviour around them.  

Friendship Anxiety is not a medical term and you won’t get diagnosed with it at the doctors. It differs from social anxiety which describes a person feeling anxious around new people. Friendship Anxiety affects a persons existing friendships. It can friendships from deepening or get worse the closer the friend becomes. 

Common signs of friendships anxiety

  • Feeling like you cannot say no to a friend for fear of losing them
  • Not being yourself around friends because you behave how you think they want you to
  • Worrying your friends are mad at you and assuming the worst if you do not hear from them or they seem “off”
  • Not sharing problems with friends because you don’t want to be a burden
  • Getting upset if a friend cancels because you think it means they don’t care.
  • Finding it hard to sleep or concentrate because of overthinking friendships so much
  • Withdrawing from friends because you feel upset or assume they do not like you.
  • Thinking there is something wrong with if you are not in a group of friends
  • Finding it hard to make close friends because of lacking confidence 
 

Impact of friendship anxiety: Why its important to overcome it

Friendship anxiety can have a significant impact on a persons life because it can get in the way of having positive friendships which is important for mental health. Sometimes you can accidently sabotage friendships because of feeling anxious or it can mean friendships do not become deep enough to be lasting. This can lead to feelings of isolation and low self esteem.

It can also cause problems in other areas of your life because overthinking friendships can make it hard to concentrate at work or stop you from enjoying your spare time. You may also feel stressed and overwhelmed due to trying to please your friends and experience symptoms of anxiety such as panic attacks, insomnia or feelings of dread in the body.     

Its also common to think that you are the only one struggling with friendships and therefore feel ashamed which makes you feel worse about yourself and further increase your risk of mental health problems. Realising that you cannot help it and that you are not alone it an important first step in learning how to manage it. 

What causes friendship anxiety.

Childhood experiences and low self esteem

Feeling insecure about friends is often a sign of low self esteem which means not feeling good about yourself. Low self esteem tends to be caused by childhood experiences, particularly our relationship with parents (or other carers). So if your parents were critical, emotionally unavailable or even abusive you may grow up not feeling good enough. You are more likely to jump to conclusions about what other people think and need a lot of validation to feel secure. You can read more about self esteem here. 

It is also possible to experience friendship anxiety due to other life experiences such as being bullied at school, struggling to fit in or having a difficult relationship with your siblings.    

 

Attachment Styles

Feeling anxious in friends tends to be caused by having an insecure attachment style. Our attachment style reflects how secure we feel in close relationships and is usually determined by our parents. If parents were unpredictable, criticial or rejecting then a person will grow up feeling they cannot rely on others to love them unconditionally. This usually makes a person hyper sensitive to the behaviour of loved ones and have an underlying fear of abandonment which impacts on thoughts and behaviour.   

Attachment styles are often connected to romantic relationships but are also relevant to understand how we feel in friendships.   You can read more about how attachment styles affect friendship here

Evolved biological tendancy in all humans

In prehistoric times, we needed other people to survive because if we were rejected from our tribe we might not access food and shelter. Therefore we have evolved with a part of the brain thats very concerned with what other people think and a desire to be accepted by groups.  This old part of the brain is very strong and will jump to conclusions in order to protect us and make us feel anxious so that we will act.  This is also known as the fight and flight system which can be easily triggered by friends. Although all humans experience this, this part of the brain is more active in people who experience friendship anxiety. 

Neurodiversity

There is increasing evidence that being neurodiverse can make friendships much more difficult to navigate. For example, it can cause a person to be more sensitive to rejection, struggle to regulate emotions and also find it harder to read social cues. All these feed into anxiety about friendships and makes them stressful. Being aware of this can help you be more accepting and learn to manage it with the right tools.   

How to overcome friendship anxiety

The good news is that there are plenty of proven tools you can implement straight away to reduce friendship anxiety and start feeling more secure with your friends. Below is a list of the most effective, evidence based tools to overcome friendship anxiety. 

Recognise what is happening with kindness

Next time you’re feeling anxious about your friends, try to bring a kindly attention to what is happening which will help you take a step back from it rather than getting caught up in it. Say to yourself “I am noticing I am feeling anxious about friends and cannot help it”. Instead of judging yourself and wishing you didn’t do it, acknowledge you cannot help it because its your brain trying to protect you or part of your neurodiversity. 

Challenge your assumptions

If you feel anxious around friends you are more likely to jump to conclusions about what people think of you which in turn makes you feel more anxious. Using principles from CBT, we can identify the thoughts that effect how we feel and try to challange them. 

For example, if you think your friend is mad at you because she hasn’t replied to that text, remind yourself that you could be “mind reading” and she could be busy. Or if you assume someone has cancelled because they do not care, weight up whether there is evidence to suggest they do care rather than focussing on one event.   

Practice mindfulness

meditation, mindfulness, nature-3480815.jpgWhat is going on in our minds effects how we feel but they are just thoughts. Trying to push them away can often backfire and mindfulness helps us to increase our awareness that “A thought it just a thought”. Practicing regularly can also help to stop thoughts from spiralling so that they have less affect on how you feel. 

When a friend triggers anxiety, try focussing some of your attention on other things in the present moment, such as your feet, sounds around you  or what you eat and drink. This helps to give space to thoughts. Regular meditation can also help increase your mindfulness skills. Mindfulness can also help us to tune into and accept the feelings of anxiety in the body which helps to manage it. 

Learn to sooth yourself and reduce anxiety

When you’re anxious about friends, the fight and flight system is activated i.e the body’s way of alerting us to danger. You may then breath more quickly and your heart rate quickens which further increases anxiety and overthinking. Being able to sooth yourself and label your emotions will help to reduce anxiety and calm your mind.  

Increase self esteem.

Ultimately if you have a low opinion of yourself or fear rejection then you’ll be more likely to experience friendship anxiety. Therefore working on self esteem is important which can mean realising that you are being self critical and being more aware of postive qualities you have. It can take a while to improve self esteem but it is possible and you can read more about that here. It can also help to work with a therapist.  

Learn and accept your friendship style

Its very common to compare yourself to others and think that everyone has the perfect gang of friends. In fact, thats only one style of friendship and many people prefer the intimacy of one to one companionship. Forcing yourself to make lots of friends, with people who don’t necessarily click with, because you think you should, is more likely to feel overwhelming and activate your friendship anxiety. Connection is important, but if you suspect you might have an introverted side, try to honour it. Let go of the need for a busy social life and foster fewer friends you can cultivate trust and safety with.   

Learn Self Compassion

There is increasing evidence that self compassion reduces anxiety and improves self esteem by helping you to develop a kinder relationship with yourself. Self Compassion incorporates a lot of the above tools and involves learning meditations, visualisations and other practices. You can practice self compassion meditations yourself or work with a therapist/teacher. 

Summary from a Friendship Anxiety Expert

Friendship anxiety may not be medical term and its not talked about often but it affects a lot of people. It means being insecure about friendships so you worry excessively and adapt your behaviour in order to keep people close. However, this causes more anxiety and can impact on the quality of the friendship. Its caused by childhood experiences, low self esteem, our biological tendancies and neurodiversity. Friendship anxiety can be effectively managed by challenging assumptions, mindfulness techniques and building self esteem.  

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I’m a fully qualified therapist and mindfulness coach specialising in anxiety and low self esteem. I offer practical, evidence based tools to empower you to you feel calm, confident and build the life you want. Click below to book a FREE 30 min consultation.

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