Do you feel anxious if your friend doesn’t reply to a text? Maybe feel jealous or left our when you see what they’re up to on social media? Do you often find yourself wondering what your friends think of you and whether they do really like you…even ones you’ve had for ages? Are you always worried that you might lose them if you put a foot wrong? If you experience any of these then you could be suffering from friendship anxiety.
Friendship anxiety is not a well known term and you probably won’t get diagnosed with it at the doctors. As its often not talked about, its easy to think you’re the only one and feel alone. But its actually more common than you think and as a self esteem therapist its one of the most common issues my clients bring. In fact, I used to suffer from it too until I learnt how to work on it. This blog will explain what friendship anxiety is, what causes it and how to shake it off.
In the blog:
What is friendship anxiety and do I have it?
Friendship anxiety describes what it feels like if we worry about our friendships excessively. Although not a diagnosed mental illness, it is a form of anxiety. This is because, when we are caught up in worrying about what our friends think of us it is likely to make us feel anxious. Usually people who experience friendship anxiety might also experience anxiety in other areas. For example, worrying about what people in general think or worrying about mistakes at work etc.
Signs you experience friendship anxiety include
- Feeling like you cannot say no to a friend for fear of their reaction
- Not feeling you can be yourself around friends
- Worrying what your friends think of you and whether they like you, even friends you have had for a long time.
- Worrying if you have enough friends
- Getting upset after scrolling social media if you see you friend out without you because you feel left out.
- Getting upset if your friends cancel because you think it means they don’t care.
- Finding it hard to sleep or concentrate because of overthinking friendships so much
- Withdrawing from friends because you feel upset or assume they do not like you.
What causes friendship anxiety.
Another way to describe friendship anxiety is having an insecure attachment style. Our attachment style reflects how safe we feel in close relationships. If we have an insecure attachment style it means we will be on guard for being rejected or abandoned by people. So this will affect how we think, feel and behave around them. These patterns tend to happen involuntarily (i.e we can’t help it!) because our attachment style is embedded in our emotional systems that we are not consciously aware of. Our attachments systems are almost always determined by experiences we have had childhood.
For example, we may have experienced loss of a parent or divorce or had parents who were critical, emotionally unavailable or even neglectful or abusive. These experiences lead to low self esteem that shape on our attachment style. However, it is also possible to experience friendship anxiety due to other life experiences such as being bullied at school or having a difficult relationship with your siblings.
Why we're all prone to friendship anxiety
Although its easy to feel bad about yourself for struggling with friendships, the truth is its very common and there’s a good reason for that. We may think of ourselves as modern humans with our smart phones and netflix accounts but so much of how we feel, included friendship anxiety, is due to parts of the brain we have had since stone age times.
Back then, our fight and flight systems protected us against predators by sending signals to the body and brain that we weren’t safe. But as we depended on other people for food and shelter, our fight and flight systems also tried to protect us from rejected by “our tribe”. Therefore we have evolved with a part of the brain that is always on the look out for whether we are safe in our group.
To balance this threatened part we also have a soothing system which lets us know that we are loved and therefore safe. If we have experienced difficulties in childhood, this soothing system is under developed. Your threatened brain will be more overactive and your soothing system not working as it should.
How to shake off friendship anxiety in 7 steps
The good news is that there are plenty of proven tools you can implement straight away to reduce friendship anxiety and start feeling more secure with your friends. Below are a list of the most effective, evidence based tools I have used on myself and clients.
Recognise what is happening with kindness
Next time you’re feeling anxious about your friends, try to bring a kindly attention to what is happening which will help you take a step back from it rather than getting caught up in it. Say to yourself “I am noticing I am feeling anxious about friends and cannot help it”. Instead of judging yourself and wishing you didn’t do it, acknowledge you cannot help it as its your “tricky brain” trying to protect you.
Challenge your assumptions
If we feel anxious around friends we are more likely to jump to conclusions about what people think of us which in turn makes us more anxious. But just because you think you’ve been rejected doesn’t mean you have been and its often the mind playing tricks.
So…your friend must be mad at your because she hasn’t replied to that text? You don’t know that for certain and she might just be busy. You’ve not been invited out because people don’t like you? Maybe there’s another explanation and it wasn’t personal. When you are feeling anxious note down the thoughts you are having in a journal and try to develop other alternatives.
Practice mindfulness
What is going on in our minds affects how we feel but they are just thoughts. Trying to push them away can often backfire and mindfulness helps us to increase our awareness that “A thought it just a thought”. Practicing regularly can also help to stop thoughts from spiralling so that they have less affect on how you feel.
Try focussing some of your attention on other things in the present moment, such as your feet, sounds around you or what you eat and drink. This helps to give space to thoughts. Regular meditation can also help increase your mindfulness skills. Mindfulness can also help us to tune into and accept the feelings of anxiety in the body which helps to manage it.
Learn to sooth yourself and reduce anxiety
When we’re anxious about friends our fight and flight system is activated i.e the body’s way of alerting us to danger. We then breath more quickly and our heart rate quickens which further increases anxiety and overthinking. Being able to sooth yourself and labelling your emotions will help to reduce anxiety and calm your mind.
Learn to accept yourself and increase self esteem.
Learn and accept your friendship style
Its very common to compare yourself to others and think that everyone has the perfect gang of friends. In fact thats only one style of friendship and many people prefer the intimacy of one to one companionship. Forcing yourself to make lots of friends, with people who don’t necessarily click with, because you think you should, is more likely to feel overwhelming and activate your friendship anxiety. Connection is important, but if you suspect you might have an introverted side, try to honour it. Let go of the need for a busy social life and foster fewer friends you can cultivate trust and safety with.
Learn Self Compassion
There is increasing evidence that self compassion reduces anxiety and improves self esteem by helping you to develop a kinder relationship with yourself. Self Compassion incorporates a lot of the above tools and involves learning meditations, visualisations and other practices. You can practice self compassion meditations yourself or work with a therapist/teacher.
Stop overthinking friendships with my FREE guide
About me: My name is Rebecca Stambridge and I am a Compassion Focussed Therapist and mindfulness teacher specialising in low esteem, stress and anxiety. I run courses both online and face to face as well as a 1-1 private therapy practice. Use this form to let me know you’re interested in working with me.
