Do friendships feel like a source of stress rather than satisfaction? Do you feel you have to say yes to everything or you might lose them? Maybe you feel anxious if your friend doesn’t reply to a text or left out when you see what they’re up to on social media? If you experience any of these then you could be suffering from friendship anxiety.
Friendship anxiety is not an official medical term but it does describe a pattern of relating to friends that has a big impact on our mental health. As not many people admit to having it, it its easy to think you’re the only one and feel worse about yourself. But, its more common than you think and, as a self esteem therapist, I know lots of people (including myself) struggle. If you want to learn how to stop friendship anxiety, I have found that mindfulness is one of the most powerful ways and this blog will explain why.
In the blog:
How do I know if I have friendship anxiety?
Its normal to feel a bit anxious when getting to know new people. It makes sense that we might wonder what new friends, or people we don’t know that well, think of us. But if anxiety persists, or even gets worse, after your friendship has established then it could be a sign of friendship anxiety. Friendship anxiety means experiencing ongoing feelings of insecurity with platonic relationships and differs from social anxiety which stops people socialising. Common signs include:
- Assuming you are being intentially left out by friends.
- Feeling like you cannot say no due to fear of losing friends
- Getting upset after scrolling social media about what you friend has done without you.
- Worrying what your friends think of you and whether they like you, even friends you have had for a long time.
- Not feeling you can be yourself around friends
- Worrying if you have enough friends
- Getting upset if your friends cancel because you think it means they don’t care.
- Finding it hard to sleep or concentrate because of overthinking friendships so much
- Withdrawing from friends because you feel upset or assume they do not like you.
What causes friendship anxiety.
Although its easy to feel bad about yourself for struggling with friendships, the truth is we are all prone to it for a good reason. We may think of ourselves as modern humans with our smart phones and netflix accounts but so much of how we think , feel and behave is influenced by parts of the brain we have had since stone age times.
You see, back then, being in a group kept us safe from predators and gave us access to resources so we were more likely to survive. We therefore have a part of the brain thats concerned with what people think and whether we are accepted by “our tribe”. If we detect any kind of threat our body naturally goes into fight and flight which makes us feel anxious i.e. racing thoughts, shallow breathing, tight muscles etc.
But some people are more prone than others for being on high alert and thats usually because they have an anxious attachment style. Our attachment style reflects how safe we feel in close relationships and if we are on guard for being rejected or abandoned by people its a sign of an insecure on. Our attachments systems are almost always determined by experiences we have had childhood and are deeply engrained into our emotional systems. We therefore react automatically to situations and threat of rejection feels very real even though its mostly likely because of how we are interpreting a situation.
How mindfulness can help stop friendship anxiety
Mindfulness has its routes in Buddhism but you don’t have to be spiritual to use it. There is lots of evidence that it helps a wide variety of mental health issues and it can be practiced in meditations or daily life. For more information about mindfulness click here.
Stop your thoughts from spiralling
When a situations with friends triggers anxiety its common for thoughts to spiral. For example, not hearing back from a friend may start to get your wondering, not only is he/she mad at you but is everyone? Maybe that means there is something wrong with you and you will be alone for good? Our minds are very good at thinking about the future and the past but mindfulness helps us stay more in the present. You can train yourself to notice that you mind is wandering and then bring it back to the moment. You still have thoughts but spiral less
Know that your thoughts are just thoughts
If we feel anxious around friends its often because we are jumping to conclusions which makes us feel anxious. We believe our thoughts but they are not reality even though they feel real. Mindfulness helps us create space from difficult thoughts but labelling them as “just thoughts”.
Manage anxious feelings in the body
Anxiety has a big impact on the body due to the fight and flight system and the more we react to those feeelings the worse we feel. Mindfulness can teach us to be curious about what is going on in the body which helps us accept and regulate our anxiety. This has been proven to reduce anxious feelings by breaking the vicious cycle.
Be more self compassionate
When we are caught up in anxious thoughts and feelings we are more likely to be self critical. We think we shouldn’t be feeling a certain way which makes us feel worse. Self compassion is now proven to improve our mental health by helping us accept whats happening and be kind rather than critical. Being more mindful of how we think and feel helps us to do that and you can read more about self compassion and how it help friendship anxiety here.
How to get started with mindfulness for friendship anxiety
Trying to be more mindful of daily activities can be an easy way to start such as paying attention when drinking a cup of tea or having a shower. Try tuning into your senses more and when your mind wanders, notice that it has, but kindly bring your attention back. You can also try meditations. If you want to get more suggestions on how to get started download my “breakfree from overthinking” guide below.
'Break Free from Overthinking Friendships' FREE guide
About me: My name is Rebecca Stambridge and I am a Compassion Focussed Therapist and mindfulness teacher specialising in low esteem, stress and anxiety. I run courses both online and face to face as well as a 1-1 private therapy practice. Use this form to let me know you’re interested in working with me.
