You’ve looked forward to this party for ages and had a pretty good time. But for days afterwards you’ve agonised over every conversation. Did I offend people? Talk too much? Too little? When that girl excused herself to go to the toilet was she really just trying to get away from me? Maybe you’ve become convinced you made a fool of yourself and are feeling more and more anxious and low. Its getting in the way of work and sleep but you just don’t know how to stop overthinking social interactions!
Overthinking social interactions can take over your life but can be so hard to stop. Perhaps it’s helpful to know that you’re not alone and there are good reasons why we do it. And whats more, understanding those reasons can be the first step in helping you to stop overthinking every social interaction. Here’s whats in the blog:
Why do I overthink social interactions?
The truth is we all have, what I like to call, a “social antenna” i.e. a part of our brain that is concerned with, and monitors, how we are percieved. This is because, in stone age times, we were much more reliant on other people to survive. Being cared for by a group would have ensured our safety from predators as well as access to food and shelter. Being cast out from our tribe would have equalled death and this old part of the brain is still trying to protect us from that. No wonder rejection makes us anxious!
Thr trouble is, this old brain likes to operate on a “better safe than sorry” principle because that would have been more likely to help us survive (i.e. assuming that sabre tooth tiger probably won’t eat you isn’t really an effective survival strategy!). Not only that, but as humans have evolved we now have the capacity to imagine, ruminate and worry. Which means that we keep on thinking about a potential “threat” (i.e. being rejected by group) long after its passed!
Evidence shows that this old brain affects all of us to certain extent. This is demonstrated by the fact that we all have a “negative bias” towards strangers and believe they do not like us.
However, in some people this social antenna is even more active. This leads to more overthinking social interactions as well as self criticism or shame about faux pas we think we made.
But why do some people overthink social interactions more than others? In my experience as a therapist this can be linked to our self esteem.
Why overthinking social interactions can be a sign of low self esteem.
Overthinking social interactions can be a sign of low self esteem because it means we don’t feel safe as we could do around others and fear rejection.
Self esteem describes generally having a low opinion of yourself. It can mean lacking in confidence at certain things or perhaps being confident in your skills but having an inner sense of not feeling loveable. It can also mean feeling that your worth is dependant on succeeding or being liked.
Usually the reasons for low self esteem stem from early childhood experiences, for example, how we were raised by our parents. On the extreme end this can be abuse, neglect or abandonment but loving parents can can also effect our self esteem if they are too pushy, critical or perhaps not as emotionally available as we needed. Competing with our siblings or struggling socially at school can also effect our self esteem even if our home life was fairly supportive.
These early experences create core beliefs that we are not loveable or good enough which makes the old brain feel unsafe around others. It will then try to protect us by putting us on high alert to check for signs that we are safe…..but with a negative bias!
Cue constant feelings of being judged and a hyper sensitivity to percieved rejection. Thanks brain!
How to stop overthinking social interactions.
The good news is that there are plenty of proven tools you can implement straight away to stop overthinking social interactions. Below are a list of the most effective, evidence based tools.
Recognise what is happening with kindness
Try to bring a kindly attention to what is happening which will help you take a step back from it rather than getting caught up in it. Instead of judging yourself and wishing you didn’t do it, acknowledge you cannot help it as its your “tricky brain” trying to protect you.
Practice Mindfulness
What is going on in our minds affects how we feel but they are just thoughts. Trying to push them away can often backfire and mindfulness helps us to increase our awareness that “A thought it just a thought”. Practicing regularly can also help to stop thoughts from spiralling so that they have less affect on how you feel.
Try focussing some of your attention on other things in the present moment, such as your feet, sounds around you are think you eat and drink. This helps to give space to thoughts. Regular meditation can also help increase your mindfulness skills. Mindfulness can also help us to tune into and accept the feelings of anxiety in the body which helps to manage it.
Generate more compassionate ways of looking at things
When we are caught up in unhelpful thinking it can be hard to get perspective but its useful to think of what you might say to a friend. For example, do you have any evidence that people are judging you or are you mind reading? Do you think you are the only one worrying about how you came across at a party or perhaps other guests do to? Were you looking around judging others or more concerned with yourself? Chances are other people were too!
Learn to sooth yourself and reduce anxiety
When we are overthinking social situations it activates our fight and flight system i.e the body’s way of alerting us to danger. We then breath more quickly and our heart rate quickens which further increases anxiety and overthinking. Being able to sooth yourself and labelling your emotions will help to reduce anxiety and calm your mind.
Learn to accept yourself and increase self esteem.
Ultimately if we have a low opinion of ourselves or fear rejection then we will be more likely to overthink social interactions. Work with a therapist can be helpful to explore, and overcome, reasons for this and recognising that low esteem is affecting you life is the first step to change.
Learn Self Compassion
There is increasing evidence that self compassion reduces anxiety and improves self esteem by helping you to develop and kinder relationship with yourself. Self Compassion incorporates a lot of the above tools and involves learning meditations, visualisations and other practices. You can practice self compassion meditations yourself or work with a therapist/teacher.
'Break Free from Overthinking' FREE guide
About me: My name is Rebecca Stambridge and I am a Compassion Focussed Therapist and mindfulness teacher specialising in low esteem, stress and anxiety. I run courses both online and face to face as well as a 1-1 private therapy practice. Use this form to let me know you’re interested in working with me.
