Not being able to say no and worrying what people think can be a really stressful way to live….but hard to stop. If this is you…perhaps you feel a bit embarrassed by it? Maybe acknowledging “you’re a bit of a people pleaser” feels like another form of self criticism. Do you want to care less what people think and learn to say no but find it impossible? So you get stressed and beat yourself up and the cycle continues. People pleasing is in fact very common and often (but not always) due to childhood experiences which shape a person in ways they cannot help. Its not easy to change this but this blog will explain how practicing self compassion can really help reduce people pleasing behaviour.
Signs of people pleasing
One of the more obvious signs of people pleasing is saying yes if someone asks a favour which, deep down, you don’t actually want to do. But there are a whole range of ways we can people please, sometimes without even knowing we are doing it. Here are some well known and less well known signs:
- Feeling easily judged by friends, colleagues or acquaintances
- Feeling like you cannot say no due to fear of rejection
- Getting very anxious or stressed about mistakes at work because of what your boss or colleague will think
- Hiding or highlighting aspects of your personality or interests depending on who you are with
- Changing your interests or hobbies to fit in with those around you
- Not knowing how to spend your time and being indecisive
- Feeling very upset and experiencing low mood if you receive any negative feedback
- Feeling anxious in friendships, feeling left out or worrying what they think
- Feeling responsible for the emotions and comfort of others so that you worry or neglect your own.
- Having a sense of not knowing “who you are” and what you like doing.
- Getting tired or ill often because you are not aware of your needs
- Feeling bad if you prioritise you needs or spend time/money on yourself
Why do I people please?
To understand why people want to please others and why its so hard to stop we need to travel back in time to stone age times.
We may think we are modern humans but how we think, feel and behave is based on needs we had which helped us survive millions of years ago. So as well as needing food, shelter and physical safety from predators we also needed to be accepted by our tribe as this also kept us safe. Therefore we have a part of the brains (known as the “threat” system) programmed to feel safe when accepted by other people which makes all of us prone to worrying what people think. It also operates on a “better safe than sorry” system so will jump to conclusions and assume the worst, again for self protection.
But in those who people please too much, this part of the brain is overactive. This can often be due to stressful childhood experiences but sometimes is just another expression of anxiety.
When this “threat” brain is overactive is causes us to overthink situations and jump to conclusions which makes us worry what people think. As social rejection represents a threat, from an evoluntary point of view, these thoughts therefore make a person anxious and to avoid the anxiety they are more likely to go along with other people. Acceptance feels safe.
Furthermore, its often the case that people pleasers struggle with self esteem so if their fear of rejection is linked an exisiting feeling of not being good enough or loveable. Again, our old brain equates love with survival so they need to maintain approval to feel loved and therefore safe.
The important thing to remember is the people pleasing is not your fault. Its an expression of our tricky brains and, probably, childgood experiences. Therefore one of the first ways that self compassion can help is by acknowledging that you cannot help it. This reduces self criticism and therefore helps reduce one of the key vicious cycles.
What is self compassion and how can it help people pleasing?
As well as the “threat” system described above our brains also have a “soothing” system. This system is activated when we feel calm, safe and loved. In pre historic times this helped us create the social connections we needed and also give and recieve love from primary care givers. When this is under developed, the threat system is takes over which leads to all the overthinking, self criticism and anxiety.
How can I start practicing self compassion?
Self Compassion involves cultivating a certain “attitude” towards your difficulties but also body and breath based practices. For example:
Courage: Rather than avoid difficult feelings it helps us to turn towards and accept the. This is helpful because many people pleasers do so to avoid feelings of anxiety but this will just continue. Mindfulness skills need to be developed to do this.
Non judgment: Rather than judging ourselves for feeling this way we remind ourselves we cannot help it and that we are not the only ways.
Helpfulness: After we have acknowledged how we are feeling with kindness we then try to ove ourselves towards more helpful way of responding i.e. ask yourself what you would say to a friend or what might be a more helpful way of looking at the situation.
Body and Breath: In order to assist the compassionate attiitude, we need to help ourselves shoft out of the threat system which is done by breathing techniques of grounding exercises.
Visualisations: Bringing to mind compassionate images which also activate the soothing system such as imagining a compassionate figure who has your back or yourself as a an ideal compassionate self.
Can I get assistance to develop self compassion and stop people pleasing?
I run courses and events to teach people mindfulness and self compassion for people pleasing. If you would like to join my mailing list for exclusive content and early bird access to products including events click Here
If you would like to access therapy to address people pleasing and/or 1-1 sessions to develop mindfuness and self compassion contact me for a consultation.
To get access to free meditations and to help cultivate self compassion click here.
