If nobody worried what people thought the world would be a strange place. You’d tell you’re colleagues that you didn’t want to see any more pictures of their ugly baby; proposition your best friends partner in front of them; push in front of others at Aldi. Obligation and courtesy are the glue that holds society together. But if we are worry what people think too much it can affect our enjoyment of life and cause stress, anxiety and low mood. This article will show you how to stop worrying what people think and explain why we do it in the first place.
- Why we worry so much what people think?
- Why some people worry more what people think than others
- Signs worrying what people think is a problem for you
- How to stop worrying what people think – 8 proven tools.
Why we worry so much what people think.
Human beings are social animals and whether we realise it or not we need each other to survive. But this was much more true in pre historic society where existing in a close knit group gave essential safety and resources.
These days we can just nip to tesco to get the things we need (although if you think about it…we still need people to stock the shelves!). But in stone age times being rejected from our group might have meant starvation and lack of protection. So fitting in was a survival skill.
We have therefore evolved with “tricky brains” that are vigiliant to rejection, desire approval and find feelings of shame and humiliation incredibly uncomfortable. Gives the phrase “dying of shame” a deeper meaning!
These instincts are so automatic and overpowering that its hard to know how to stop worrying what people think even if its making us unhappy.
Why some people worry more what people think than others.
Whilst we all have a social antenna, some people’s are bigger and more over zealous than others. Although not always the case, this is usually due to childhood experiences which have made our old brain more on guard for what other people think.
For example, if your parents were very critical, emotionally distant or even abusive you may therefore struggle to feel safe and loved by others because you didn’t get those messages enough as a child.
Our “tricky brain” operates on a “better safe than sorry” principle. So it will jump to negative conclusions about what people think of you in order to protect you and avoid something that happened in the past. i.e. feeling unloved and therefore unsafe.
This not only means you will be hyper vigilant about other peoples opinion but you will also assume they are thinking negatively. This is turn can create powerful feelings of anxiety, stress, shame and depression which makes our “tricky brain” feel even less safe and creates a vicious cycle.
Signs worrying what people think is a problem for you
As explained, we’re all motivated to gain approval from others but here are some signs that worrying what people think is a problem:
- Overthinking every social interaction and wondering how you came across which causes you to be preoccupied, lose sleep or feel stressed.
- Often assuming people are unhappy with you because of how they act, which has nothing to do with you, such as not answering a text, “sighing” in front of you, seeming “off”
- Often feeling judged by others for not seeming “perfect” .
- Getting very anxious if you make a mistake, for example at work, because you fear your boss or colleagues are judging you.
- Feeling like you cannot express your opinions to others for fear of rejection.
- Not going to parties or social events because you think people won’t like you.
- Feeling unable to say no, even in relation to things you don’t want to do, because of fear of disapproval.
- Adapting aspects of your personality to fit in with others because you fear not being liked if you are yourself.
How to stop worrying what people think - 8 proven tools.
Below are proven tools you can implement straight away so you know how to stop worrying what people think.
Recognise what it happening with kindness
Recognise what it happening and remind yourself that your “tricky brain” is trying to protect you. Do not judge yourself for worrying so much what people think and acknowledge that you cannot help it.
Give space to thoughts with mindfulness
Just because you are thinking someone may be judging you does not mean that they are. Our mind is so powerful that thoughts feel true. But a thought it not a fact and acknowledging this is a skill we can learn through mindfulness.
Awareness and Acceptance of Anxiety
Anxious thoughts about what people think create anxiety in the body and vica versa. But if we react to the feelings with more anxiety this makes it worse. Try to tune into what it happening in your body with curiosity and name the emotions i.e. “I am aware that I am feeling anxious”. Learning breathing techniques to manage anxiety can also help.
Learn to accept yourself by increasing low self esyeem
Ultimately worrying what people think is a sign of low esteem. If we liked ourselves more then other people’s opinion’s would not be as important. Work with a therapist to increase your self esteem or find ways to help yourself.
Compassionately Challenge Thoughts
Its easy to convince ourselves that thoughts are true but there are often many explanations. What evidence do you have that people are judging you? Are they more concerned with themelves? When we are in a situation its hard to get perspective so a handy way of doing this is to ask “what would I say to a friend?”
Learn self compassion techniques
Most of the tools above come from Mindful Self Compassion and Compassion Focussed Therapy. These are evidence based interventions designed to increase self compassion and reduce self criticism through meditations. You can access group or 1-1 programmes to learn self compassion, teach yourself or work with a self compassion therapist (see below).
'Break Free from Overthinking' FREE guide
How I can help you worry less what people think
I am a compassion focussed therapist and self esteem expert. I know first hand what its like to worry too much what people think because I used to do it to! After learning evidence based tools to feel comfortable in my own skin and care less what people think I know help others to do the same through 1-1 and group sessions. If you are interested in working with me click here for a free consultation.
