Being “a bit of a people pleaser” may sound like a trival problem, but if you are one you’ll know it can have a negative impact on your mental health. If you struggle to say no, care what others think or feel responsible for people’s emotions you are more at risk of anxiety, stress and depression.Having no idea why you do it just adds to the stress and, even though it causes you so much difficulty, it can feel impossible to know how to stop. This article will explain the causes people pleasing but also key tools to help you overcome it.
What are the signs of people pleasing?
One of the more obvious signs of people pleasing is saying yes if someone asks a favour which, deep down, you don’t actually want to do. But there are a whole range of ways we can people please, sometimes without even knowing we are doing it. Here are some well known and less well known signs:
- Feeling generally responsible for peoples emotions
- Being preoccupied with what people think
- Feeling easily judged by friends, colleagues or acquaintances
- Feeling like you cannot say no due to fear of rejection
- Getting very anxious or stressed about mistakes at work because of what your boss or colleague will think
- Hiding or highlighting aspects of your personality or interests depending on who you are with
- Changing your interests or hobbies to fit in with those around you
- Not knowing how to spend your time and being indecisive
- Feeling very upset and experiencing low mood if you receive any negative feedback
- Feeling anxious in friendships, feeling left out or worrying what they think
- Having a sense of not knowing “who you are” and what you like doing.
- Getting tired or ill often because you are not aware of your needs
- Feeling bad if you prioritise you needs or spend time/money on yourself
What causes people pleasing?
People pleasing is caused by a combination of evolutionary and environmental factors.
Evolutionary
It can be helpful to understand that all humans are prone to people pleasing to a certain extent due to biological processes we have inhereted from early man.
For example, we may think we are modern humans but how we think, feel and behave is based on what helped us survive millions of years ago. So as well as needing food, shelter and physical safety from predators we also needed to be accepted by our tribe as this also kept us safe. Therefore we have a part of the brains (known as the “threat” system) programmed to feel safe when accepted by other people which makes all of us prone to worrying what people think. It also operates on a “better safe than sorry” system so will jump to conclusions and assume the worst, again for self protection.
So if this part of the brain is overactive we may more likely to care what people think and fear rejection which means we say yes often to pease others as it makes us feel safe.
Environmental
Although we are all prone to people pleasing simply by being human, certain childhood experiences can give you a much stronger tendancy to do so.
For example, if you grew up with critical or neglectful parents then you may experience low self esteem. Having low self esteem makes you seek approval from others so you worry more what people think and find it harder to say no.
Another common environmental cause is having parent (s) with addiction or health issues (physical or mental) so as a child you felt responsble for looking after them and now feel overly responsible for the needs of everyone around you.
Experiencing parenting styles that were harsh or shaming also creates adults who feel on “high alert” for the reactions of others if you do not please them.
Its also possible to really struggle with people pleasing and have experienced “good” childhoods. Sometimes a person can grow up with an anxious “temprament” which makes them more likely to people please and then found other situations, such as school, very challenging which has affected their confidence in later life.
How can I stop people pleasing?
Although people pleasing may feel like a habit thats impossible to stop, you can break free of the tendancy with effective tools. You may need to access therapy but the following steps will be a good start:
Awareness. It can help to reflect on your people pleasing behaviors and what motivates you to do them. A good way to do this is imagining what you are concerned about if you didn’t people please. For example, would you feel guilty that you are making someone unhappy? Or are you worried they will be angry? Or perhaps leave you? When we reflect on this we can understand what fears are driving it which helps us challenge them.
Challenge thoughts/beliefs As described above, once we understand what motivates us to engage in people pleasing we can then challenge the beliefs that drive it. For example, is it likely someone will be angry if you say no? Are you really responsible for other people’s happiness? What evidence do you have that someone will react in a certain way if do not do what they have asked? Weigh up the evidence and ask “is this a fact or a feeling”? Remember that your feelings may not be the most accurate assessment of the situation and have more to do with what has happened to you in the past.
Practice bounderies If you are used to putting everyone elses needs first its likely you’re stressed/drained and not in touch with your own needs. Spend time time considering what, in an ideal world, you’re prepared to do for someone which also protects your time and energy. Find ways of saying no which feels comfortable. Start small and build up. The more you do it the easier it becomes and you will get better at noticing and honouring your needs.
Use Mindfulness Overthinking keeps people pleasing behaviour going and create feelings of stress and anxiety. Mindfulness is a great tool for people pleasers because it can help you take a step back from unhelpful thoughts as well as manage feelings of anxiety and stress. You can read more about mindfulness and how it can help people pleasing here.
Practice Self Compassion. People pleasers struggle to be compassionate to themselves because the part of the brain which is overstimulated (i.e. threat system) diminishes our capacity for self kindness. The more we practice self compassion the more we can offer ourselves “safety” and worry less what people think. Self compassion is a therapeutic tool which can be learnt with knowledge and practice. To understand more about developing self compassion and why it is so effective for people pleasing click here.
Can I get help to stop people pleasing?
I run courses and events to teach people mindfulness and self compassion for people pleasing. If you would like to join my mailing list for exclusive content and early bird access to products including events click Here
If you would like to access therapy to address people pleasing and/or 1-1 sessions to develop mindfuness and self compassion contact me for a consultation.
To get access to free meditations and to help cultivate self compassion click here.
