A few years ago I wouldn’t have described myself as a “people pleaser”. Saying no and having bounderies were not a massive problem for me. But I’d always felt this deep need to be liked to the extent that I found it hard to be myself. Decisions were based on the white noise of approval rather than my own desires. Eventually I twigged and realised that a lack of self worth was at the route of this. It didn’t happen overnight, but when I improved my self worth, the need to be liked fell away. Looking back, I realise that this was people pleasing, just a different version of it. Now, as a qualified therapist, I see people pleasers in all guises including those who struggle to say no and those (like me) who just want to be liked. I find that most of the time, clients share a lack of self worth and this blog will explain why improving this is the best way to stop people pleasing.
How to know if you're a people pleaser
One of the classic examples of people pleasing is saying yes to something that you don’t actually want to do due to fear of disapproval. But there lots of ways we can people please, sometimes without even knowing we are doing it. Here are some well known and less well known signs:
- Feeling easily judged by friends, colleagues or acquaintances
- Feeling like you cannot say no due to fear of rejection
- Getting very anxious or stressed about mistakes at work because of what your boss or colleagues will think
- Hiding or highlighting aspects of your personality or interests depending on who you are with
- Changing your interests or hobbies to fit in with those around you
- Not knowing how to spend your time and being indecisive
- Feeling very upset and experiencing low mood if you receive any negative feedback
- Feeling anxious in friendships, feeling left out or worrying what they think
- Feeling responsible for the emotions and comfort of others so that you worry or neglect your own.
- Having a sense of not knowing “who you are” and what you like doing.
- Getting tired or ill often because you are not aware of your needs
- Feeling bad if you prioritise you needs or spend time/money on yourself
What is low self worth and how can it cause people pleasing?
Whilst the meaning of the many “self” phrases (i.e. self worth, self esteem, self confidence etc phrases) are debatable and can be interchangable, in my view self worth is a deep self of being “enough”. It refers to a sense of being loveable, good enough, worthy and valuable just as you are, for who you are.
Therefore, a person who does not have sufficient self worth will almost always look on the outside for signs that they are worthy which means constantly needing external validation and reassurances that they are loved.
Saying no feels scary because feeling loveable and worthy it reliant on the approval of others, which we feel we risk losing if we don’t make everyone happy all the time.
But it can go further. The drive to seek approval from others can mean a person is so motivated to fit in they lose touch with who they are. They’re so used to tuning into the needs of people around them that they are unable to tune into their own. This can mean, for example, knowing if they are tired, hungry, angry or sad but also can mean what hobbies or interests they have and how they like to spend their time. So people pleasing behavior might not be due to fear of saying no, but not actually knowing how they feel.
Its also common for a person to be highly driven to achieve certain things because they feel their self worth and people’s approval depends on it i.e. I am only good enough if I do well at work, I am only good enough if I have enough friends. Whilst a person may then feel okay if these conditions are met, it crumbles when they are not. So they also constantly strive to meet what they think are external expectations which contributes to stress.
The problem is though that seeking validation from the outside will never lead to the feeling of being loveable that a people pleasers seeks, because it will always be temporary.
Therefore, although there are lots of effective tools that can help with people pleasing (such as challenging thoughts and putting in bounderies), my view is that a person will always need to people please when the opinion that others have of them is more important than their own.
What causes low self worth?
Although I have worked with many people pleasers who recall lovely, supportive childhoods Most of the time a person who lacks self worth has experienced certain things in childhood which shapes how they view themselves. For example:
- Having critical or demanding parents so never feeling good enough.
- Having parents who were unable to regulate their own moods so children were scared of their reactions.
- Parents who were physically, mentally emotionally abusive
- Parents who were emotionally and/or physically neglectful or who were addicted to drugs.
- Being bullied at school
- Absent parents due to divorce or death.
- Excessive sibling rivilary or competative environment.
- Feeling responsible as a child for an adult and sibling.
So how do these experiences create people pleasers? From an evoluntiary point of view, being loved by primary carers, and accepted by our group, helped us survive. If we don’t feel loveable enough we don’t feel safe unless we constantly seek and gain the approval of those around us.
If a child has been physically, verbally or emotionally abused then its no surprise to grow up with a feeling of not being loveable. But even parents who are loving but demanding and/or emotionally distant can send messages that a child is only worthy of love and attention if they achieve certain things.
How to improve self worth and stop people pleasing.
Improving self worth is a long journey and you may find working with a therapist helpful, particularly if you have experienced a traumatic and/or abusive childhood.
However, you can start to work on this yourself using evidence based self help tools and here are ones I recommend below:
- Recognition: The first step is acknowledging that your people pleasing behavior is arising due to need to gain validation and love which is lacking from yourself.
- Mindfulness helps you to increase your awareness of, and take a step back from, unhelpful thoughts and feelings that fuel lack of self worth and people pleasing. In addition it can also increase awareness of your feelings moment to moment which means you are more tuned into them.
- Self Compassion is a powerful tool closely linked to mindfulness which helps you recognise shame and self critical patterns and develop a kinder, more accepting relationship with yourself. You can read more about that here.
- Loving kindness meditations are specifically designed to help you cultivate a sense of well wishing towards yourself which increases self worth and self love. I have adapted my own version for people who lack self worth which you can read about here.
- Challenging thoughts. Examine the assumptions you are making about your own self worth i.e. that I have to be perfect to be loved. Ask whether you expect the same of other people you care about.
- Behaviour Experiments. Ask yourself what you would do if you did not care what a person thought or already felt good enough. Test out how you feel about yourself and what relationships were like after. This can help gradually move towards empowerment.
- Affirmations. Saying phrases that you know you need to hear, in moments of self doubt, can help. Examples are “I am good enough as I am ” “I love and accept myself exactly as I am ” or writing letters positive loving letters to yourself.
Can I get more help to improve self worth and stop people pleasing?
If you would like to access therapy to improve self worth and overcome people pleasing contact me for a consultation.
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