You get a text from your friend asking you to go and see her favourite band with her. Without thinking you automatically reply “yeah sure” but inside you groan. You can think of a million reasons why not: You can’t really afford it, you’ve got alot on and you do’t even like the music. But these reasons seem to stay stuck in your throat as the urge to please is so much stronger. You spend the time leading up to the gig feeling stressed and resentful. You wish you’d say no but you just can’t and this seems to happen all the time! If this sounds like you then this blog will explain how to stop people pleasing in friendships as well as what causes it and why its a problem.
In the blog:
- Why people pleasing in friendships is a problem.
- Why some people find it hard to stop people pleasing in friendships
- Why you’re not alone if you people pleasing in friendships
- How to stop people pleasing in friendships
Why people pleasing in friendships is a problem
If you always say yes to friends it can seem like you are just being kind and “a good mate”. But agreeing to things we don’t want to do because you daren’t say no can cause problems for you and your friendships. It means you are at risk of:
- Overcommitting yourself so that you get stressed and overwhelmed
- Feeling resentful towards your friends which causes problems in the friendship
- Being taken for granted so you get asked more than others.
- Overthinking situations which increases anxiety or impacts on mood
Why some people find it hard to stop people pleasing in friendships.
People pleasing is usually linked to a fear of rejection and/or abandonment. For example, you might assume that if you say no your friend will be mad at you which feels intolerable. Or that they won’t want to be your friend anymore which feels scary. In most cases such fears are greatly exaggerated and a sign of having an insecure attachment style. This means that we don’t feel secure in our close relationships and is usually caused by childhood experiences
For example, we may have experienced loss of a parent or divorce or had parents who were critical, emotionally unavailable or even neglectful or abusive. You can read more about insecure attachment styles in friendship here.
Why you're not the only one who can't stop people pleasing in friendships
Although its easy to feel bad about yourself for people pleasing, the truth is its quite common and there’s a good reason for that. We may think of ourselves as modern humans with our smart phones and netflix accounts but so much of how we feel, included friendship anxiety, is due to parts of the brain we have had since stone age times.
Back then, our fight and flight systems protected us against predators by sending signals to the body and brain that we weren’t safe. But as we depended on other people for food and shelter, our fight and flight systems also tried to protect us from rejected by “our tribe”. Therefore we have evolved with a part of the brain that is always on the look out for whether we are safe in our group.
This means that we are hard wired to want connection and protection and worry about being rejected. People pleasing can feel like “safe” behaviour to make sure you are accepted by your tribe.
How to stop people pleasing in friendships
The good news is that there are plenty of proven steps you can take to stop people pleasing in friendships and feel more secure with your friends. Below are a list of the most effective, evidence based tools I have used on myself and clients.
Challenge your assumptions
Not being able to say no is nearly always due to assumptions we make about how a person is going to react. We cannot help that because our brain will think it can “mind read” to try and protect us. But in reality we are jumping to conclusions.
Its useful to ask yourself what you would do if the shoe was on the other foot. e.g If your friend said no to you would you be angry and/or not want to be her friend anymore? Unlikely. Does your friend appear capable of being reasonable and understanding in other situations? If so, perhaps remind yourself what a reasonable response would normally be in such situations instead of more negative prediction you are making.
Practice mindfulness
When we can’t stop people pleasing in friendship we often get caught up in overthinking. Worrying about what our friends think, how they migh react or how we are going to fit everthing in! Trying to push our thoughts away can often backfire but mindfulness can help you be more in the present moment and remind yourself that “A thought it just a thought”. Practicing regularly helps to stop thoughts from spiralling so that they have less affect on how you feel.
Try focussing some of your attention on other things in the present moment, such as your feet, sounds around you or what you eat and drink. This helps to give space to thoughts. Regular meditation can also help increase your mindfulness skills. Mindfulness can also help us to tune into and accept the feelings of anxiety in the body which helps to manage it.
Make gradual changes to learn new behaviour and priorise your own needs
Its hard to go from saying yes all the time to meeting your own needs and turning things down. Therefore build up gradually so that you can used to the new behaviour in a way that feels “safe”. When you learn that you can say no and that your friends stick around it helps to reinforce the new behaviour and give you confidence to do it more.
Increase self esteem.
People pleasing is linked to low self esteem because if we don’t feel good enough or loveable we are more likely to think people will reject or abandon us. We then people please as a way to avoid these deep fears. Therefore working on your self esteem can really help to stop people pleasing because we feel secure enough in ourselves to say no. You can read more about improving self esteem here but it can also help to work with a therapist.
Remind yourself that its who you are not what you do that matters
If we can’t stop people pleasing in friendships its a sign we think our friendships are based on what we do, not who we are. We think our friendships are so fragile, that if we don’t say yes all the time, they will break. But in fact, friendships are formed for a wide variety of reasons. We normally become friends with someone just as much due to their personality and interests. Remind yourself of the other qualities you bring to friendships such as warmth and humour or think of the qualities you look for in a friendship too
Rewrite your friendship rules
Often when we people please in friendships we are subconciously living by a set of rules that we feel we cannot break. For example “I have to say yes to everything to be a good friend”. Although being a good friend may be an important value we want to respect, applying a rigid rule is not helpful. We can therefore develop more flexible rules such as “I can say no sometimes and still be a good friend”.
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About me: My name is Rebecca Stambridge and I am a Compassion Focussed Therapist and mindfulness teacher specialising in low esteem, stress and anxiety. I run courses both online and face to face as well as a 1-1 private therapy practice. Use this form to let me know you’re interested in working with me.
